Tonight I am thinking of my first son and the people he still brings into my life. His birth bonds me to other baby loss moms. It's not the kind of club you'd clamor to be a part of, but it's a close knit community just the same.
In recent months I have heard about two moms losing their babies. Their situations were similar to mine, but our birth experiences differed. While I believe that I can understand some of what their losses feel like, I can't say that I know exactly what their grief feels like.
Giving advice on something like baby loss is very difficult. Each person has a very personal journey. I don't think everyone needs the same things. It's also hard to know what anything other than your own ordeal was like. I liken it to something else I've been asked a lot about recently - being an only child. I can talk a lot about how I think it has shaped me, but I'll never know what it's like to have siblings so I can't really compare it to anything. In this same way, I can offer advice here, but I can't assume that there is a one-size-fits-all answer either. Still, I will offer up one thing here: if you are opting for elective induction (and I would recommend that if you aren't just letting your labor begin on it's own), take pictures. Create memories. I have said this when I posted my series on my birth experience, and I'm saying it again now.
I know, I know. It feels strange to create memories of such a traumatic thing, but when I hear about moms without keepsakes, it breaks my heart. I was told that I'd want pictures when I was planning Noah's birth. I resisted the idea. It felt wrong. Sad. Scary. I felt like I was afraid to even look at him in the first place, so taking pictures was certainly a foreign concept. However, I'm really glad that I took the advice I was given. I want to pass it on here. I might be wrong, but I suspect that it would benefit most people in their grieving process. I haven't looked my pictures of Noah much, but they are there when I want them. That's invaluable. You know what else? I find that it validates his life for me. He existed. He was important. I can honor him by facing him once in awhile and remembering him exactly as he was.
It's strange how time softens certain memories, and I can be honest with myself and say that it's true for me. The things I endured seem like they happened in another lifetime in some ways, yet those things are a constant part of who I am today. He's always with me. I can barely type these things without tears welling up in my eyes. It's distant yet fresh at the same time. Looking back on my grief makes it seem like it was a quick, efficient process. I know that's not true. Time has done that to my many memories. Still, I think it was made more efficient because of the keepsakes I have. I didn't realize it at the time, but I don't want to forget.
For all of the baby loss moms who have their little ones only in their memories, I'm thinking of you. You might feel that you've made the right choice in not having tangible keepsakes and who am I to argue? I'm sure that it works for many. It's just not for me. For those who have regrets, I'm so sorry. Some decisions in life are irreversible and this is one of them. Please don't beat yourself up. You made the decision to the best of your ability at the time and that's all that you can expect of yourself. You can still heal. You can. For the moms who are just facing a diagnosis and who are planning the arrival of their angels right now, I urge you to create keepsakes. Take pictures. Get a hat you can place on your baby that you will keep. Baptize or bathe your little one. Wrap them in a special blanket that you'll keep. Sing a special song that you can remember as yours together. Make memories. This might seem like something you won't want to remember, but my best guess is that most people will feel as I do. Five years on, you will treasure those memories. For me, they have been essential to healing.
Wednesday, August 24, 2011
Thursday, June 30, 2011
Oh dear...
My goodness! Has it really been 3 months since I have checked in? I wrote a long post about breastfeeding a few weeks ago, saved it, and then wondered who would want to hear so much about my breasts so I never published it. Now here we are!
My inactivity is a symptom of working again. It's simple: 2 kids + work - sleep = no time. We are also looking at homes. I'm finding the process to be very stressful as we are currently planning on listing our home for sale only after we buy something. Why take such a huge risk? Well, we've already been looking for two months without any luck, and I just couldn't see paying rent instead of paying down our mortgage each month. Besides, moving twice would be a pain. I don't even want to think about the work that will be involved if we actually make this leap. Cleaning and preparing our home to be shown, packing, moving, finding daycare... It's all overwhelming. I'm going to be Scarlett O'Hara and think about all of this tomorrow!
We can add to our to-do list some minor surgery for 3 of our 4 family members in the coming months, but don't worry! We're all ok! Well, except for the fact that four children at my daughter's daycare have now had the pukes. Oh yes, it's coming. I predict a fun 4th of July weekend. You know, I found a good amount of cash on the floor at Target a few months ago and I turned it in at the service counter. I'm still waiting to cash in on the good karma I figure I'm due. Hello? Karma? Yup, don't forget about me! Can we get pay back in the form of avoiding this yucky stomach bug? I'd really appreciate it.
I do have to take a moment to admit that I am totally in love with this baby boy we've got. Oh, he is just so sweet. Even when he's, you know, pooping out of his diaper 4 times a day and wanting to be held all.the.time. He's adorable, strong, and smiley quite often which is a bonus. You wouldn't have been able to convince me that babies might actually be happy sometimes when my daughter was this age. She was a much tougher baby than he's proving to be. Thank goodness!
So dear readers, that's my overdue update. Now you must excuse me while I shower, pump, prepare bottles, wash pump parts, eat, and fall into bed so I can do it all over again starting around 4:45 am tomorrow. It's a glamorous life, I know.
My inactivity is a symptom of working again. It's simple: 2 kids + work - sleep = no time. We are also looking at homes. I'm finding the process to be very stressful as we are currently planning on listing our home for sale only after we buy something. Why take such a huge risk? Well, we've already been looking for two months without any luck, and I just couldn't see paying rent instead of paying down our mortgage each month. Besides, moving twice would be a pain. I don't even want to think about the work that will be involved if we actually make this leap. Cleaning and preparing our home to be shown, packing, moving, finding daycare... It's all overwhelming. I'm going to be Scarlett O'Hara and think about all of this tomorrow!
We can add to our to-do list some minor surgery for 3 of our 4 family members in the coming months, but don't worry! We're all ok! Well, except for the fact that four children at my daughter's daycare have now had the pukes. Oh yes, it's coming. I predict a fun 4th of July weekend. You know, I found a good amount of cash on the floor at Target a few months ago and I turned it in at the service counter. I'm still waiting to cash in on the good karma I figure I'm due. Hello? Karma? Yup, don't forget about me! Can we get pay back in the form of avoiding this yucky stomach bug? I'd really appreciate it.
I do have to take a moment to admit that I am totally in love with this baby boy we've got. Oh, he is just so sweet. Even when he's, you know, pooping out of his diaper 4 times a day and wanting to be held all.the.time. He's adorable, strong, and smiley quite often which is a bonus. You wouldn't have been able to convince me that babies might actually be happy sometimes when my daughter was this age. She was a much tougher baby than he's proving to be. Thank goodness!
So dear readers, that's my overdue update. Now you must excuse me while I shower, pump, prepare bottles, wash pump parts, eat, and fall into bed so I can do it all over again starting around 4:45 am tomorrow. It's a glamorous life, I know.
Thursday, March 24, 2011
Updates
So many things have happened with my family in the last couple of months. I don't know where to begin!
Our little boy has arrived! While the active part of labor was fairly quick, the start of my labor was not. I had been experiencing pressure for quite awhile, but I never identified it as labor. I assumed that he was just dropping.
Then one night I was telling my husband about it and he thought that we should time them to see if there was a regular pattern. We discovered that I was feeling pressure every two to three minutes! After a call to the birthing center, we decided to call my husband's brother to come over to babysit and we headed out to the hospital.
When we arrived, I was hooked up to monitors and we discovered after several hours that while I was having regular contractions, I wasn't dilating. Even though I was a few weeks early, they weren't going to stop my contractions. At the same time, they didn't want to induce me either. We went home. I was still contracting from time to time but nothing was regular.
A little more than a week passed when the contractions became regular once again and we headed back to the hospital. We found out once again that the contractions weren't doing much to get me dilated. We went home again, but things just continued to get more intense. I couldn't sleep. I was terribly uncomfortable. We decided to return to the hospital a third time in the morning. This time we found that things were moving along! Everything progressed beautifully and my son was born by early afternoon with less than an hour of pushing. Hallelujah!
The last few weeks have been a blur of diaper changes, late night feedings, and household chores. The one thing that is clear through my tired haze is that I'm totally in love with this little boy! I was so uptight with my daughter. I'm much more relaxed this time. Even when I'm exhausted in the middle of the night, there are times when I don't want to put him down. I could stare at him for hours! I'm alarmed by how fast he's already growing! With as hard as it is for me to get pregnant, we know that this is our last baby. I'm trying to savor every moment.
On a sad note, my husband lost his father in the middle of all of this. I had written about him once before here:
http://mystorytour.blogspot.com/2010/05/another-sign.html
(I'm not good enough at HTML to make a link here!)
I was so sad to know that he just missed seeing his grandson by just a few short weeks. While we were planning his funeral, a thought crept into my head... A little box in my basement still housed the ashes of my first born son, Noah. We never could figure out what to do with his ashes. There was a little drawer in my father-in-law's casket for keepsakes and special things. My father-in-law loved my first son so much even though he never got to meet him. There could be no better place to put my son to rest than with his Grandpa. With permission from my husband's mother, we passed a small, light blue organza pouch filled with my son's remains to the funeral director and watched as he was tucked it in to the small drawer in the casket. Watching the casket close meant so much more to me because while we were saying a final goodbye to my husband's father, we were also saying a goodbye to our first son. What's even more strange is the fact that this burial and the subsequent birth of our second son happened within days of the five year anniversary of Noah's passing. It all seemed fitting. Now I know where my son is resting and I have a place to visit that isn't next to my washing machine. I knew we'd find a place for him someday, and I'm at peace.
Tonight I'm thinking of all of those moms out there with angel babies like mine. I remembered again during this pregnancy that we can never be the same after losing a baby. Even with the years that have passed, I spent this pregnancy fighting the urge to be somewhat detached. It feels dangerous to assume that pregnancy will bring a baby. I would find myself getting new clothes for my son and keeping the tags on them. "I can return them if something happens..." Then I would be surprised at myself for having those thoughts. The experience of losing a child leaves scars that don't heal, but I wouldn't change anything that got me here. I love my family - all three of my kids. As soon as this third and last child of mine was born and named (yes, he is named, but I'm not sharing!), I ordered a hand stamped necklace with the names of my husband and my kids so I can always keep them close to my heart. Moms of angel babies: I promise that you will find peace. You won't ever forget. You won't ever be the same, but you will find peace. I am praying for your peace tonight.
Our little boy has arrived! While the active part of labor was fairly quick, the start of my labor was not. I had been experiencing pressure for quite awhile, but I never identified it as labor. I assumed that he was just dropping.
Then one night I was telling my husband about it and he thought that we should time them to see if there was a regular pattern. We discovered that I was feeling pressure every two to three minutes! After a call to the birthing center, we decided to call my husband's brother to come over to babysit and we headed out to the hospital.When we arrived, I was hooked up to monitors and we discovered after several hours that while I was having regular contractions, I wasn't dilating. Even though I was a few weeks early, they weren't going to stop my contractions. At the same time, they didn't want to induce me either. We went home. I was still contracting from time to time but nothing was regular.
A little more than a week passed when the contractions became regular once again and we headed back to the hospital. We found out once again that the contractions weren't doing much to get me dilated. We went home again, but things just continued to get more intense. I couldn't sleep. I was terribly uncomfortable. We decided to return to the hospital a third time in the morning. This time we found that things were moving along! Everything progressed beautifully and my son was born by early afternoon with less than an hour of pushing. Hallelujah!
The last few weeks have been a blur of diaper changes, late night feedings, and household chores. The one thing that is clear through my tired haze is that I'm totally in love with this little boy! I was so uptight with my daughter. I'm much more relaxed this time. Even when I'm exhausted in the middle of the night, there are times when I don't want to put him down. I could stare at him for hours! I'm alarmed by how fast he's already growing! With as hard as it is for me to get pregnant, we know that this is our last baby. I'm trying to savor every moment.
On a sad note, my husband lost his father in the middle of all of this. I had written about him once before here:
http://mystorytour.blogspot.com/2010/05/another-sign.html
(I'm not good enough at HTML to make a link here!)
I was so sad to know that he just missed seeing his grandson by just a few short weeks. While we were planning his funeral, a thought crept into my head... A little box in my basement still housed the ashes of my first born son, Noah. We never could figure out what to do with his ashes. There was a little drawer in my father-in-law's casket for keepsakes and special things. My father-in-law loved my first son so much even though he never got to meet him. There could be no better place to put my son to rest than with his Grandpa. With permission from my husband's mother, we passed a small, light blue organza pouch filled with my son's remains to the funeral director and watched as he was tucked it in to the small drawer in the casket. Watching the casket close meant so much more to me because while we were saying a final goodbye to my husband's father, we were also saying a goodbye to our first son. What's even more strange is the fact that this burial and the subsequent birth of our second son happened within days of the five year anniversary of Noah's passing. It all seemed fitting. Now I know where my son is resting and I have a place to visit that isn't next to my washing machine. I knew we'd find a place for him someday, and I'm at peace.
Tonight I'm thinking of all of those moms out there with angel babies like mine. I remembered again during this pregnancy that we can never be the same after losing a baby. Even with the years that have passed, I spent this pregnancy fighting the urge to be somewhat detached. It feels dangerous to assume that pregnancy will bring a baby. I would find myself getting new clothes for my son and keeping the tags on them. "I can return them if something happens..." Then I would be surprised at myself for having those thoughts. The experience of losing a child leaves scars that don't heal, but I wouldn't change anything that got me here. I love my family - all three of my kids. As soon as this third and last child of mine was born and named (yes, he is named, but I'm not sharing!), I ordered a hand stamped necklace with the names of my husband and my kids so I can always keep them close to my heart. Moms of angel babies: I promise that you will find peace. You won't ever forget. You won't ever be the same, but you will find peace. I am praying for your peace tonight.
Monday, January 10, 2011
too tired...
Random ramblings tonight:
I'm too tired to blog! It seems that I'm a once-a-month blogger. Not much to say these days. I'm uncomfortable. I'm wondering when baby will come considering the fact that my daughter was 4 weeks early. We'll see what the doctor has to say this week. I think I've gained more weight this time, but I'm trying not to think about it. I'm hoping that a few months of successful breastfeeding will counteract it. I'm also hoping that breastfeeding is a bit less stressful this time, but I'm realistic. I don't think it's exactly like riding a bike. I'm starting to worry about the unknown as I approach this birth. One never knows how it will play out and I have another child to make arrangements for this time. It adds a bit of extra stress. I can tend to be a worrier. I'm trying to stop!
I'm not sure on the name... or circumcising. I wish I had decisions in those areas. All I know is that there is a huge list of care instructions in my booklet for a circumcised boy and also warnings about rare but serious complications. It's like listening to the fast talking at the end of those drug commercials. "In rare cases serious side effects may occur..." Freaks me out. The care instructions in my booklet for not circumcising? Don't retract the foreskin. Wait for it to retract around age 3. Teach your child to clean the area. Seems simple and safe. Names and circumcising. Two big decisions that will affect my child for life. I guess it makes sense that I'd struggle with those things! One thing I have learned in the last 3 years is that there are no right answers to this parenting thing. Whatever decision you made - totally right for you. Not to be judged. Maybe we need more new mom politicians in Washington. I think us moms know that there are many ways do things. We learn that it would never make sense to criticize another mom and her methods!
Did I mention that I'm excited to meet this active baby? He's so much different than my daughter already. He's a mover and he's trying to stretch out in there. Ouch! He's such an amazing gift. I will try to remember that in a few weeks when I'm so tired that I burst into tears when he wakes me up in the middle of the night. The time when they are little is short. It's hard, but it's rewarding. Remind me of that when I'm tired! A boy. Wow. This will be new!
Off to bed now. (Until I wake up at 2 am to go to the bathroom!)
I'm too tired to blog! It seems that I'm a once-a-month blogger. Not much to say these days. I'm uncomfortable. I'm wondering when baby will come considering the fact that my daughter was 4 weeks early. We'll see what the doctor has to say this week. I think I've gained more weight this time, but I'm trying not to think about it. I'm hoping that a few months of successful breastfeeding will counteract it. I'm also hoping that breastfeeding is a bit less stressful this time, but I'm realistic. I don't think it's exactly like riding a bike. I'm starting to worry about the unknown as I approach this birth. One never knows how it will play out and I have another child to make arrangements for this time. It adds a bit of extra stress. I can tend to be a worrier. I'm trying to stop!
I'm not sure on the name... or circumcising. I wish I had decisions in those areas. All I know is that there is a huge list of care instructions in my booklet for a circumcised boy and also warnings about rare but serious complications. It's like listening to the fast talking at the end of those drug commercials. "In rare cases serious side effects may occur..." Freaks me out. The care instructions in my booklet for not circumcising? Don't retract the foreskin. Wait for it to retract around age 3. Teach your child to clean the area. Seems simple and safe. Names and circumcising. Two big decisions that will affect my child for life. I guess it makes sense that I'd struggle with those things! One thing I have learned in the last 3 years is that there are no right answers to this parenting thing. Whatever decision you made - totally right for you. Not to be judged. Maybe we need more new mom politicians in Washington. I think us moms know that there are many ways do things. We learn that it would never make sense to criticize another mom and her methods!
Did I mention that I'm excited to meet this active baby? He's so much different than my daughter already. He's a mover and he's trying to stretch out in there. Ouch! He's such an amazing gift. I will try to remember that in a few weeks when I'm so tired that I burst into tears when he wakes me up in the middle of the night. The time when they are little is short. It's hard, but it's rewarding. Remind me of that when I'm tired! A boy. Wow. This will be new!
Off to bed now. (Until I wake up at 2 am to go to the bathroom!)
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