On being a woman

I had a rough day. Having a rough day coupled with pregnancy hormones makes for quite an adventure.

I was busy and stressed at work. It happens quite often. The end of the day came, but I was left with a bit of important work to finish. The call goes out to my husband. "Where are you? Can you make it to daycare in time to pick up?" He informed me that he was slightly behind schedule. No "extra 5 minutes" for me. Time to head out.

I was in tears not long into my drive home. Yesterday my husband called me at work to inform me that he was 45 minutes beyond the end of his shift and hadn't left work yet. It was stated as a fact, and the message was clear. I was required to pick up from daycare. It's true that he doesn't have a very easy time controlling exactly when he's able to get home because of traffic and weather, and these things don't affect my travels quite as much. I did my motherly duty and made sure to pick up right on time. Comparing his experiences and mine from yesterday evening to today, I realized how hard it is to be a woman. In the time since I've had a child, I don't remember a time where my husband was required to pick up from daycare. In other words, I don't remember ever calling to inform him that I was already too late to do the task. This assumption that I will cover when his career gets him tied up was one of the things that set me off today.

Let's rewind a bit. Just over a year ago I had an opportunity for some change and growth in my career. It happened to come right around the time we had planned to start up our fertility treatments and expand our family. These were tough decisions for me. I liked what I was doing just fine, but I wanted to make sure I was moving forward and building some experience at work. The opportunity required some travel initially, and it would likely cause issues with timing the required appointments in our fertility cycles. After much thought, we delayed our family plans slightly so I could move forward a bit at work.

Now back to current times. Taking advantage of opportunities has led me to the edge of what I believe to me more opportunity in the near future. This time I'm pregnant. There is no room to discuss. Our family is expanding! Although I work with women who have kids and although the law protects pregnant women from discrimination, it's obvious that my current state could potentially impact my ability to progress. When there is growth happening, a company need someone who can be there. I can't hide the fact that I won't be there. Once again it is women who bear the weight (quite literally) of the family. We wear our inability to devote ourselves entirely to our jobs right on the front of our bodies as a reminder for our coworkers.

When I woke up my daughter this morning to get ready, she was in a funk. She seemed upset. When I asked her what was wrong, she informed me that had wanted to stay in bed and snuggle with me. I had to tell her that there is no time for such things on weekday mornings. She would have to wait and essentially schedule herself into mom's day. Talk about breaking a mom's heart! I wanted nothing more than to stop everything and get into bed with her. This is especially true in my last few months with just one baby. I couldn't snuggle her. While I did make up for it tonight with some special snuggle time, it sure made it hard for me to work today with a clear mind!

I'll admit that it's hard for a tired, pregnant woman to be fair about the division of labor in her family. I probably don't have the most rational views on life at the moment! After being sick for three months, gaining weight, losing sleep, and facing the prospect of birth followed by constant breastfeeding alone in the middle of the night while my husband slumbers peacefully, I feel frustrated. Then I remember a few things.

I remember that it's my family I will remember at the end of my life. I won't be looking at photo albums to remember my coworkers! I remember that being a woman brings opportunity too. I have known this baby boy for quite some time in a way that no one else can. I know he's active. I know he's up at night sometimes. I know he loves it when I eat sugary foods. When he stops moving around the moment my husband puts his hand on my belly, I know he will begin again a moment later and I will feel it. I get to feel it all the time. I know that in my blur of tiredness after his birth, there will be beautiful, quiet moments in the night when I feed my baby and share moments with him that my husband will inevitably miss. I know that I have achieved something that at one time I never thought I'd achieve. I have a family! What a blessing!

I have to give my husband some credit too. Although it sometimes feels like he assumes that his career is more important than mine, I know he doesn't mean it. He's an amazing person. I'm not an easy person to live with! While I lash out and make mean spirited comments sometimes, he refrains from attacking me. He continues to love me for who I am. He doesn't complain about sharing household chores like cooking and cleaning. He often does more than me in that arena, and that's especially true lately. He does his own laundry and always has. He somehow manages to share my views in life more than anyone I've ever met. We are universally on the same page.

I have so much to be thankful for. It's just that sometimes this life is still so hard. I think it's especially hard for women. In some ways I think we are betrayed by our biology. Being the givers of life yet living in the modern world sure makes me feel doubly burdened by responsibility sometimes. I don't think that men feel it in quite the same way as women. It's a unique experience with its good and bad aspects. I have one more thing I can be thankful for tonight. I can share these feelings with other women who understand how it feels and we can support one another.

Sleeping Arrangements

A coworker of mine and his wife are expecting a baby boy too. Their due date is only 2 days different than ours. He also has just one other child - a girl. Very similar! We were chatting about sleeping arrangements for kids the other day. They have decided to have their baby boy in their room for 5-6 months. Then they will be putting him in their 6 year old daughter's room indefinitely. He said that his 6 year old isn't ready to sleep in the basement yet, so they decided to have them share rooms for awhile.

The conversation got me to thinking about kids and their different levels of independence. How young is too young to have a child sleeping "far away" from you in the house? Do kids develop a fear of such things at a certain age? Is it a personality thing where some kids are scared but others never develop that fear? I'm curious about it! My guess is that it depends on the kid and it depends on the parents. What do you think?

It's a...

Hello, friends! I just wanted to let you know that the little bundle we are expecting is a boy! That leads me to an interesting debate. There was a big part of me that didn't want to face this decision, but I will soon face it... circumcision. I'd like to know (if anyone feels compelled to share). What did you do? I'm inclined to not do it. It seems largely cosmetic and unnecessary, but I've never raised a boy. Help! Weigh in if you feel like sharing. If not, I understand. It's kind of personal, isn't it? I don't think there is a right or wrong answer here. Decisions, decisions.

Working Mom

I found out today that our wonderful daycare family is moving. They have lived very close since our daughter was a baby. They aren't going far, but it is an added inconvenience. This is just one more event that is making me want to be home more. With my second child on the way, I long to be home more. No one can care for my kids like me, and I know that when I have to take this baby to daycare and drop him/her off, it's going to break my heart.

I have some hard things to think about. I'm almost positive that we can't make it financially without my income. I'm still determined to run the numbers, but I'm pretty sure I know how they will look. While we don't live an expensive lifestyle, neither of us really makes enough to support the family alone. I also don't think I want to stop my career for a period of time. I can't say that I've gotten very far with it, but I don't know if I want to close that door entirely when I'm actually working in the same field that I pursued during my education, and the same field I've been in for more than a decade.

Being a mom is hard. We give up a lot and we do it willingly. Our kids drive us crazy, but they make us love more than we ever thought possible. I want it all. I want my career and my family. I want them both full time. I can't seem to find the right balance. I keep thinking that there's something I'm overlooking. I hope I can figure it out soon.

Summer is over!

I've been meaning to blog for so long. I thought I'd drop in tonight and leave a sloppy little post. You'll have to forgive me. I've been busy with a big project, and it forced me to take this rather lengthy break from my blog. I can't promise that I have much time now, but I'm going to try because I have so many thoughts to get off my chest. This is a good place for me to vent it all out into the cosmos. So... what is my big project? Well, I'm growing a little human! I'm going to be a mama again! Wow, that first trimester wiped me out. No blogging for me during all of that! I'm now into the second trimester. I'm not so sick, not quite so tired, but we are experiencing many changes in our lives that are still keeping me busy around the clock.

The basics... I'm pretty sure my diagnosis of Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome was wrong. My doctor wasn't a fan of that label and feels that the specialist was grasping at straws when he handed it down. Clearly there are some things that doctors can't account for. I was a few weeks pregnant while I was at the appointment and I didn't know it! We finished our fertility treatments in May and planned to take a break. We had an upcoming vacation and wanted to take time away from it all. We were going to talk about it all at the end of the summer and determine what to do next. We were very close to giving up. We did absolutely nothing medical in June. I never believed what people said about people getting pregnant the moment they adopted/quit trying etc. I guess they were right. I quit trying and I conceived! Well, we conceived anyway... I need to give my husband a little credit here!

So much to talk about, but not enough time tonight. I need to get to bed so I can keep this little babe growing!

Beep!

The person who was managing this blog is on a little mental vacation. She is enjoying the weather, getting some sleep, organizing things, and making big plans with her family. She plan to rejoin this blog shortly. In the meantime, leave a message and she'll be sure to catch you up on her crazy, amazing life soon.

Beep!

Ignorance Isn't Bliss

I'm finally frustrated enough to comment on something I often think about: food. Don't worry, it's not too much of a rant! I'm not sure how I became passionate about food, but I did. Well, I guess I have an idea. Here's a story to bring us up to today:

Flash back to me in my mid-teens. On a family camping trip that brought us to multiple states, I ended up at a rodeo in Wyoming. I watched as the cowboys roped the calves. They were rough. They pushed them around, pulled them to the ground, and tied all of their feet together. I also watched them ride bulls who had been picked on to the point of anger. Something struck me. There was nothing kind or gentle about it. I had always loved animals of all kinds, and I felt really horrible watching them being treated like that. I cried. I told my mom that I wanted to be a vegetarian. She informed me that since she purchased our food and made our meals, this wasn't an option. I think she thought it was a phase.

Fast forward to college. Not long into my first year (and my 3-meal-a-day ticket), I realized that the meat in the college dining room wasn't the most appetizing I'd seen. I also had a new interest in my health, and began reading about diet. I decided to try cutting out red meat. It was pretty easy. Then I read something telling me about chicken and how it can be high in cholesterol - sometimes more than red meat. Chicken was cut out. Again, it was easy. The more I read, the more I learned. I was soon able to cut out the last meat: fish. And I liked fish. The more I cut out, the more I found to replace it. I realized I didn't miss any of it all that much. I lost a few pounds, and I felt good. It seemed to be a really positive change.

Now that I was officially "vegetarian," I turned my reading to vegetarian articles. I found so many reasons to keep up my eating habits. Cruelty, pollution, abuse, quality control issues in slaughterhouses... I became more and more certain that what I was doing was important.

That leads me to today. I am convinced that the biggest reason to be a vegetarian is a growing population and the inefficiency and pollution of the meat industry. While I wish most people would convert, I know it's probably not realistic. My wish is for people to decide that the earth can't sustain a supply for the level demand, so we should cut down. If everyone would eat one vegetarian meal a day, or have one vegetarian day a week, the difference would be significant. I'm passionate about this, and it frustrates me to no end that people don't know and don't care where their food comes from. How did it get to your plate? Please ask yourself this question!

I am actually proud to be known for having a little soap box that I like to pull out. I try not to do it often. People aren't interested in my opinion most of the time. I guess that's why I have this blog! I just get frustrated when people wave their hands in front of their face and tell me that they don't want to know. I feel that we can't afford to bury our heads in the sand. This isn't only true for diet. We need to pay attention to our world - to the people in charge. Too many people are waving their hands in the air and saying, "No, don't tell me. I don't want to know." Well, you have to know. I would rather someone listen to something and disagree with it than not listen at all. We owe it to ourselves to seek out truth and make conscious decisions based on it. It's not always convenient, but it's essential to life. I want to have a decent world to pass along to my kids. Don't you?