Updates

So many things have happened with my family in the last couple of months. I don't know where to begin!

Our little boy has arrived! While the active part of labor was fairly quick, the start of my labor was not. I had been experiencing pressure for quite awhile, but I never identified it as labor. I assumed that he was just dropping. Then one night I was telling my husband about it and he thought that we should time them to see if there was a regular pattern. We discovered that I was feeling pressure every two to three minutes! After a call to the birthing center, we decided to call my husband's brother to come over to babysit and we headed out to the hospital.

When we arrived, I was hooked up to monitors and we discovered after several hours that while I was having regular contractions, I wasn't dilating. Even though I was a few weeks early, they weren't going to stop my contractions. At the same time, they didn't want to induce me either. We went home. I was still contracting from time to time but nothing was regular.

A little more than a week passed when the contractions became regular once again and we headed back to the hospital. We found out once again that the contractions weren't doing much to get me dilated. We went home again, but things just continued to get more intense. I couldn't sleep. I was terribly uncomfortable. We decided to return to the hospital a third time in the morning. This time we found that things were moving along! Everything progressed beautifully and my son was born by early afternoon with less than an hour of pushing. Hallelujah!

The last few weeks have been a blur of diaper changes, late night feedings, and household chores. The one thing that is clear through my tired haze is that I'm totally in love with this little boy! I was so uptight with my daughter. I'm much more relaxed this time. Even when I'm exhausted in the middle of the night, there are times when I don't want to put him down. I could stare at him for hours! I'm alarmed by how fast he's already growing! With as hard as it is for me to get pregnant, we know that this is our last baby. I'm trying to savor every moment.

On a sad note, my husband lost his father in the middle of all of this. I had written about him once before here:
http://mystorytour.blogspot.com/2010/05/another-sign.html
(I'm not good enough at HTML to make a link here!)
I was so sad to know that he just missed seeing his grandson by just a few short weeks. While we were planning his funeral, a thought crept into my head... A little box in my basement still housed the ashes of my first born son, Noah. We never could figure out what to do with his ashes. There was a little drawer in my father-in-law's casket for keepsakes and special things. My father-in-law loved my first son so much even though he never got to meet him. There could be no better place to put my son to rest than with his Grandpa. With permission from my husband's mother, we passed a small, light blue organza pouch filled with my son's remains to the funeral director and watched as he was tucked it in to the small drawer in the casket. Watching the casket close meant so much more to me because while we were saying a final goodbye to my husband's father, we were also saying a goodbye to our first son. What's even more strange is the fact that this burial and the subsequent birth of our second son happened within days of the five year anniversary of Noah's passing. It all seemed fitting. Now I know where my son is resting and I have a place to visit that isn't next to my washing machine. I knew we'd find a place for him someday, and I'm at peace.

Tonight I'm thinking of all of those moms out there with angel babies like mine. I remembered again during this pregnancy that we can never be the same after losing a baby. Even with the years that have passed, I spent this pregnancy fighting the urge to be somewhat detached. It feels dangerous to assume that pregnancy will bring a baby. I would find myself getting new clothes for my son and keeping the tags on them. "I can return them if something happens..." Then I would be surprised at myself for having those thoughts. The experience of losing a child leaves scars that don't heal, but I wouldn't change anything that got me here. I love my family - all three of my kids. As soon as this third and last child of mine was born and named (yes, he is named, but I'm not sharing!), I ordered a hand stamped necklace with the names of my husband and my kids so I can always keep them close to my heart. Moms of angel babies: I promise that you will find peace. You won't ever forget. You won't ever be the same, but you will find peace. I am praying for your peace tonight.

too tired...

Random ramblings tonight:

I'm too tired to blog! It seems that I'm a once-a-month blogger. Not much to say these days. I'm uncomfortable. I'm wondering when baby will come considering the fact that my daughter was 4 weeks early. We'll see what the doctor has to say this week. I think I've gained more weight this time, but I'm trying not to think about it. I'm hoping that a few months of successful breastfeeding will counteract it. I'm also hoping that breastfeeding is a bit less stressful this time, but I'm realistic. I don't think it's exactly like riding a bike. I'm starting to worry about the unknown as I approach this birth. One never knows how it will play out and I have another child to make arrangements for this time. It adds a bit of extra stress. I can tend to be a worrier. I'm trying to stop!

I'm not sure on the name... or circumcising. I wish I had decisions in those areas. All I know is that there is a huge list of care instructions in my booklet for a circumcised boy and also warnings about rare but serious complications. It's like listening to the fast talking at the end of those drug commercials. "In rare cases serious side effects may occur..." Freaks me out. The care instructions in my booklet for not circumcising? Don't retract the foreskin. Wait for it to retract around age 3. Teach your child to clean the area. Seems simple and safe. Names and circumcising. Two big decisions that will affect my child for life. I guess it makes sense that I'd struggle with those things! One thing I have learned in the last 3 years is that there are no right answers to this parenting thing. Whatever decision you made - totally right for you. Not to be judged. Maybe we need more new mom politicians in Washington. I think us moms know that there are many ways do things. We learn that it would never make sense to criticize another mom and her methods!

Did I mention that I'm excited to meet this active baby? He's so much different than my daughter already. He's a mover and he's trying to stretch out in there. Ouch! He's such an amazing gift. I will try to remember that in a few weeks when I'm so tired that I burst into tears when he wakes me up in the middle of the night. The time when they are little is short. It's hard, but it's rewarding. Remind me of that when I'm tired! A boy. Wow. This will be new!

Off to bed now. (Until I wake up at 2 am to go to the bathroom!)

On being a woman

I had a rough day. Having a rough day coupled with pregnancy hormones makes for quite an adventure.

I was busy and stressed at work. It happens quite often. The end of the day came, but I was left with a bit of important work to finish. The call goes out to my husband. "Where are you? Can you make it to daycare in time to pick up?" He informed me that he was slightly behind schedule. No "extra 5 minutes" for me. Time to head out.

I was in tears not long into my drive home. Yesterday my husband called me at work to inform me that he was 45 minutes beyond the end of his shift and hadn't left work yet. It was stated as a fact, and the message was clear. I was required to pick up from daycare. It's true that he doesn't have a very easy time controlling exactly when he's able to get home because of traffic and weather, and these things don't affect my travels quite as much. I did my motherly duty and made sure to pick up right on time. Comparing his experiences and mine from yesterday evening to today, I realized how hard it is to be a woman. In the time since I've had a child, I don't remember a time where my husband was required to pick up from daycare. In other words, I don't remember ever calling to inform him that I was already too late to do the task. This assumption that I will cover when his career gets him tied up was one of the things that set me off today.

Let's rewind a bit. Just over a year ago I had an opportunity for some change and growth in my career. It happened to come right around the time we had planned to start up our fertility treatments and expand our family. These were tough decisions for me. I liked what I was doing just fine, but I wanted to make sure I was moving forward and building some experience at work. The opportunity required some travel initially, and it would likely cause issues with timing the required appointments in our fertility cycles. After much thought, we delayed our family plans slightly so I could move forward a bit at work.

Now back to current times. Taking advantage of opportunities has led me to the edge of what I believe to me more opportunity in the near future. This time I'm pregnant. There is no room to discuss. Our family is expanding! Although I work with women who have kids and although the law protects pregnant women from discrimination, it's obvious that my current state could potentially impact my ability to progress. When there is growth happening, a company need someone who can be there. I can't hide the fact that I won't be there. Once again it is women who bear the weight (quite literally) of the family. We wear our inability to devote ourselves entirely to our jobs right on the front of our bodies as a reminder for our coworkers.

When I woke up my daughter this morning to get ready, she was in a funk. She seemed upset. When I asked her what was wrong, she informed me that had wanted to stay in bed and snuggle with me. I had to tell her that there is no time for such things on weekday mornings. She would have to wait and essentially schedule herself into mom's day. Talk about breaking a mom's heart! I wanted nothing more than to stop everything and get into bed with her. This is especially true in my last few months with just one baby. I couldn't snuggle her. While I did make up for it tonight with some special snuggle time, it sure made it hard for me to work today with a clear mind!

I'll admit that it's hard for a tired, pregnant woman to be fair about the division of labor in her family. I probably don't have the most rational views on life at the moment! After being sick for three months, gaining weight, losing sleep, and facing the prospect of birth followed by constant breastfeeding alone in the middle of the night while my husband slumbers peacefully, I feel frustrated. Then I remember a few things.

I remember that it's my family I will remember at the end of my life. I won't be looking at photo albums to remember my coworkers! I remember that being a woman brings opportunity too. I have known this baby boy for quite some time in a way that no one else can. I know he's active. I know he's up at night sometimes. I know he loves it when I eat sugary foods. When he stops moving around the moment my husband puts his hand on my belly, I know he will begin again a moment later and I will feel it. I get to feel it all the time. I know that in my blur of tiredness after his birth, there will be beautiful, quiet moments in the night when I feed my baby and share moments with him that my husband will inevitably miss. I know that I have achieved something that at one time I never thought I'd achieve. I have a family! What a blessing!

I have to give my husband some credit too. Although it sometimes feels like he assumes that his career is more important than mine, I know he doesn't mean it. He's an amazing person. I'm not an easy person to live with! While I lash out and make mean spirited comments sometimes, he refrains from attacking me. He continues to love me for who I am. He doesn't complain about sharing household chores like cooking and cleaning. He often does more than me in that arena, and that's especially true lately. He does his own laundry and always has. He somehow manages to share my views in life more than anyone I've ever met. We are universally on the same page.

I have so much to be thankful for. It's just that sometimes this life is still so hard. I think it's especially hard for women. In some ways I think we are betrayed by our biology. Being the givers of life yet living in the modern world sure makes me feel doubly burdened by responsibility sometimes. I don't think that men feel it in quite the same way as women. It's a unique experience with its good and bad aspects. I have one more thing I can be thankful for tonight. I can share these feelings with other women who understand how it feels and we can support one another.

Sleeping Arrangements

A coworker of mine and his wife are expecting a baby boy too. Their due date is only 2 days different than ours. He also has just one other child - a girl. Very similar! We were chatting about sleeping arrangements for kids the other day. They have decided to have their baby boy in their room for 5-6 months. Then they will be putting him in their 6 year old daughter's room indefinitely. He said that his 6 year old isn't ready to sleep in the basement yet, so they decided to have them share rooms for awhile.

The conversation got me to thinking about kids and their different levels of independence. How young is too young to have a child sleeping "far away" from you in the house? Do kids develop a fear of such things at a certain age? Is it a personality thing where some kids are scared but others never develop that fear? I'm curious about it! My guess is that it depends on the kid and it depends on the parents. What do you think?

It's a...

Hello, friends! I just wanted to let you know that the little bundle we are expecting is a boy! That leads me to an interesting debate. There was a big part of me that didn't want to face this decision, but I will soon face it... circumcision. I'd like to know (if anyone feels compelled to share). What did you do? I'm inclined to not do it. It seems largely cosmetic and unnecessary, but I've never raised a boy. Help! Weigh in if you feel like sharing. If not, I understand. It's kind of personal, isn't it? I don't think there is a right or wrong answer here. Decisions, decisions.

Working Mom

I found out today that our wonderful daycare family is moving. They have lived very close since our daughter was a baby. They aren't going far, but it is an added inconvenience. This is just one more event that is making me want to be home more. With my second child on the way, I long to be home more. No one can care for my kids like me, and I know that when I have to take this baby to daycare and drop him/her off, it's going to break my heart.

I have some hard things to think about. I'm almost positive that we can't make it financially without my income. I'm still determined to run the numbers, but I'm pretty sure I know how they will look. While we don't live an expensive lifestyle, neither of us really makes enough to support the family alone. I also don't think I want to stop my career for a period of time. I can't say that I've gotten very far with it, but I don't know if I want to close that door entirely when I'm actually working in the same field that I pursued during my education, and the same field I've been in for more than a decade.

Being a mom is hard. We give up a lot and we do it willingly. Our kids drive us crazy, but they make us love more than we ever thought possible. I want it all. I want my career and my family. I want them both full time. I can't seem to find the right balance. I keep thinking that there's something I'm overlooking. I hope I can figure it out soon.

Summer is over!

I've been meaning to blog for so long. I thought I'd drop in tonight and leave a sloppy little post. You'll have to forgive me. I've been busy with a big project, and it forced me to take this rather lengthy break from my blog. I can't promise that I have much time now, but I'm going to try because I have so many thoughts to get off my chest. This is a good place for me to vent it all out into the cosmos. So... what is my big project? Well, I'm growing a little human! I'm going to be a mama again! Wow, that first trimester wiped me out. No blogging for me during all of that! I'm now into the second trimester. I'm not so sick, not quite so tired, but we are experiencing many changes in our lives that are still keeping me busy around the clock.

The basics... I'm pretty sure my diagnosis of Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome was wrong. My doctor wasn't a fan of that label and feels that the specialist was grasping at straws when he handed it down. Clearly there are some things that doctors can't account for. I was a few weeks pregnant while I was at the appointment and I didn't know it! We finished our fertility treatments in May and planned to take a break. We had an upcoming vacation and wanted to take time away from it all. We were going to talk about it all at the end of the summer and determine what to do next. We were very close to giving up. We did absolutely nothing medical in June. I never believed what people said about people getting pregnant the moment they adopted/quit trying etc. I guess they were right. I quit trying and I conceived! Well, we conceived anyway... I need to give my husband a little credit here!

So much to talk about, but not enough time tonight. I need to get to bed so I can keep this little babe growing!