too tired...

Random ramblings tonight:

I'm too tired to blog! It seems that I'm a once-a-month blogger. Not much to say these days. I'm uncomfortable. I'm wondering when baby will come considering the fact that my daughter was 4 weeks early. We'll see what the doctor has to say this week. I think I've gained more weight this time, but I'm trying not to think about it. I'm hoping that a few months of successful breastfeeding will counteract it. I'm also hoping that breastfeeding is a bit less stressful this time, but I'm realistic. I don't think it's exactly like riding a bike. I'm starting to worry about the unknown as I approach this birth. One never knows how it will play out and I have another child to make arrangements for this time. It adds a bit of extra stress. I can tend to be a worrier. I'm trying to stop!

I'm not sure on the name... or circumcising. I wish I had decisions in those areas. All I know is that there is a huge list of care instructions in my booklet for a circumcised boy and also warnings about rare but serious complications. It's like listening to the fast talking at the end of those drug commercials. "In rare cases serious side effects may occur..." Freaks me out. The care instructions in my booklet for not circumcising? Don't retract the foreskin. Wait for it to retract around age 3. Teach your child to clean the area. Seems simple and safe. Names and circumcising. Two big decisions that will affect my child for life. I guess it makes sense that I'd struggle with those things! One thing I have learned in the last 3 years is that there are no right answers to this parenting thing. Whatever decision you made - totally right for you. Not to be judged. Maybe we need more new mom politicians in Washington. I think us moms know that there are many ways do things. We learn that it would never make sense to criticize another mom and her methods!

Did I mention that I'm excited to meet this active baby? He's so much different than my daughter already. He's a mover and he's trying to stretch out in there. Ouch! He's such an amazing gift. I will try to remember that in a few weeks when I'm so tired that I burst into tears when he wakes me up in the middle of the night. The time when they are little is short. It's hard, but it's rewarding. Remind me of that when I'm tired! A boy. Wow. This will be new!

Off to bed now. (Until I wake up at 2 am to go to the bathroom!)

Sleeping Arrangements

A coworker of mine and his wife are expecting a baby boy too. Their due date is only 2 days different than ours. He also has just one other child - a girl. Very similar! We were chatting about sleeping arrangements for kids the other day. They have decided to have their baby boy in their room for 5-6 months. Then they will be putting him in their 6 year old daughter's room indefinitely. He said that his 6 year old isn't ready to sleep in the basement yet, so they decided to have them share rooms for awhile.

The conversation got me to thinking about kids and their different levels of independence. How young is too young to have a child sleeping "far away" from you in the house? Do kids develop a fear of such things at a certain age? Is it a personality thing where some kids are scared but others never develop that fear? I'm curious about it! My guess is that it depends on the kid and it depends on the parents. What do you think?

A Long Night

Tonight was challenging. My daughter seemed to make it her goal to break me. She wouldn't come home with me when it was time to leave daycare. She battered me with kicks as I tried to put her shoes on. She had a time out in the daycare lady's kitchen before we could even get out the door. When we got in the door at home, she wouldn't remove her shoes or come upstairs. I walked away. She eventually came up. She wouldn't sit up to eat, so she spent 3 minutes in her bed awaiting the oven timer as a cue to come out. Normally she watches one cartoon each night if we get done eating in time. The requirement is that we use the bathroom prior to the show. Are you getting the pattern here? Yes, she wouldn't use the bathroom so we didn't watch any cartoons. She didn't seem to care. She'd much rather disobey than watch a cartoon.

Bedtime was the same. A toothbrush with toothpaste was met with thrashing head and pursed lips. A final bathroom trip resulted in a bottom hovering over the seat because sitting down would represent some type of defeat. When it was time to put on pajamas I had a limp noodle. I was done. I picked up my fully clothed child and put her in her bed. I slammed the door behind me. She was perfectly content in there. She was ready to sleep in her clothes. I wasn't ok.

I sat down and cried. I cried because I didn't have any enjoyable time with my daughter tonight. I cried because sometimes I feel like a toddler has me beat. I cried because I'm tired. I cried because I worry about my ability to successfully parent. I cried because I want my daughter to be the best that she can be, but I'm not sure how to make that happen sometimes.

About ten minutes after I left the room, I went back. I asked her to put on her pajamas. She reluctantly agreed. I asked her to use the bathroom - for real. She did. I wondered if she thinks that I regard her as "naughty." I don't like that word. I think it can be a self-fulfilling prophecy. I sat her down on my lap and asked her if she thinks she is a good girl or a bad girl. "Good girl," she answered. Ok, good. I told her that I think she's a very good girl too but sometimes it's hard to spend time with my good girl when she makes the choice to disobey. I told her that my night isn't as much fun without my best girl acting as Mommy's Helper. We had a little talk. I told her that I love her. I felt better. I hope somehow that she felt better too.

This was a rough night. I did my best. It's amazing that we are challenged so much as parents and we feel like we are at our wit's end, but a small kiss on the cheek at the end of the night makes it worthwhile. I can only hope that the sum of my days with her end up giving her a feeling of positive self esteem and a sense of responsibility. All I can do is my best.

Adventures in Babysitting

I had to face an interesting part of myself this week. We realized that we should get out more, so we decided to find ourselves a babysitter. This will be our second time out since last August. It's amazing how little time we have together when I think about it!

We started to think about who we could line up for this task. It's ideal to have our daughter at home. Her toys are here. Her bed is here. Our house is toddler-friendly. It's just easier. The only problem with this is that most of the suitable sitters we know have their own kids, and it's easier for them to be at their houses too. We decided to rule out friends with kids this time. The length of time we'll be out and the time of day will make it too hard to bother our friends who have kids for this outing.

Then we started looking at our friends who don't have kids as an alternative. My husband immediately offered up a male friend of his as an option. This is a gentleman we've known for quite a long time. My husband knows him much better than I do, but I am familiar with him. Everything I know about him is positive. He was free at the time we needed him. But then... something started to creep into my mind.

I'll admit to several things at this point. I'm a worrier. I clearly don't leave my child often, so I probably lack normal comfort level about it. I'm overly analytical. I'm overprotective. I'm a control freak. I'm realizing that these things are obstacles to a successful date night!

The little things that started to creep into my mind were all stereotypes about gender. This is a single guy. I've never seen him with a love interest. I've never seen him around kids. I can't picture him taking my child to the potty and wiping her butt. Yup, that's what I immediately thought. I kind of surprised myself! I see myself as an open person, but maybe I'm not as open as I thought!

I started to think about where my apprehension was coming from. I wanted to figure out the factors that affected my comfort level about a person. Yes, how much I know the person is number one. I'm also pretty comfortable if I know firsthand that the person has had a ton of experience with kids. After that, I realized that I might be more comfortable with a couple. I'd also be more comfortable with a married man, a gay man, a single girl... just about anything other than a single, straight man. I think I would also be more comfortable if my child was a boy. I've never had to face my bias before, and I'm not sure I like it.

At the same time, I don't want to ignore my motherly instinct. Since I've never really faced these feelings before, I'm not sure how to sort them all out in my mind. In the meantime I'm going to have to trust my instincts if I want to go out with my husband and have a good night. While he trusts this person implicitly, I just don't know what his experience is with children. While he's been around my daughter before and she loved him, I just wasn't quite ready to leave her in his care. I don't even know why. I just know I'm apprehensive. Maybe I'll get over it, but I'm not there yet. In the end, we decided to have my husband's parents come to our house to watch her. While we aren't close at this point so we don't often see them, I trust them. Now I'm much more relaxed now and looking forward to a date! My choice of restaurant doesn't seem to be in the cards though. They were completely booked with reservations, so we decided to show up looking pathetic and hungry and hope we can get a table within an hour or so. We'll see how it works.

Has anyone else ever had to face their gender stereotypes? Was it in a childcare situation? What did you do? Have your opinions changed over time? Just curious.

Aside from our planned escape, we've been busy with another round of fertility treatments. I actually had to inject myself tonight. (Gulp) I did it! It's wasn't that bad! I was so nervous and fixated on being able to do the injection, that I forgot to swab my skin with alcohol beforehand. If my leg turns black and falls off, I'll let you know! We are facing the doctor next week to figure out our plan from here. We can't really afford IVF or adoption, so we'll have to see if there is still hope for us within our current treatments. I'm hoping the meeting will all be in vain. Maybe this will work. Soon I will be facing the long 2 week wait to find out if we've had any success this time. It's something I'll never get used to.

I know that we're overdue for some pictures and maybe a recipe. Has it really been 2 weeks since I've posted pictures? Thanks for those that have stuck with me. Pictures are forthcoming. I've got a few up my sleeve. All I know is that I'm going out with my husband. Everything else will have to get in line this week!