Angel Boy - Part 3

Continuing on...

We left off awaiting our Level II ultrasound. That was the longest week of my life. Work went on, life went on, and we waited on pins and needles. We talked a lot about God's plan for our lives and we believed that there was a reason behind what we were experiencing even if we didn't know what it was. We accepted that no matter who this baby turned out to be, we would love it. We had struggled with infertility for 2 1/2 years, and this was the baby we'd waited for. We wanted it more than anything, and we accepted whatever was to come. We had many conversations about how this reality would change the picture we had of our lives. A baby with severe mental disability... How would we afford lifelong care for our son or daughter? Would we find daycare or would one of us have to quit our job? We started to prepare ourselves for our new reality. Finally, our appointment day came.

We were led into a tiny room for a very long appointment. They took their time to look at the small details of our baby. They scanned everything. We then went into a room to go over the results. I took a deep breath.

The doctor proceeded to explain the extent of our baby's issues. What we knew going in was that something was wrong with the brain. I was prepared to find out more about this so I'd know what our baby's life would be like. The doctor did confirm the findings of our first ultrasound - the baby's brain hadn't separated into 2 hemispheres as it should have. From here our reality was once again shaken. She continued on with a list of other findings. Our baby's kidneys were deformed into a sort of horseshoe shape. The lungs were underdeveloped and small. The heart had only two chambers instead of the four you would expect from a healthy heart. My amniotic fluid levels were low. The umbilical cord was only two vessels - also wrong. The baby was severely behind in growth. The list went on and on. We were told that the defects they found were consistent with some type of chromosomal abnormality - possibly Trisomy. (Trisomy occurs when there is a triplet of a particular chromosome. Chromosomes should only be in pairs of two.)

We were offered the opportunity at that point to go through amniocentesis to find out exactly what we were dealing with. While there was an increased risk of miscarriage with that test, we clearly felt that it was justified and worth the risks considering the problems we faced. We agreed to the test, and they took a sample of amniotic fluid to send for testing. We would have to wait 3-4 days for the results.

After the test, we were ushered into a room. I didn't think I could be shaken again as I had been a week earlier, but I was wrong. Again it was surreal. What does all of this mean? The doctor continued her explanation of our situation. "These chromosomal problems - especially with the list of abnormalities your baby is exhibiting - are not compatible with life."

Nothing can prepare you for that moment. She went on to ask what we intended to do. We were numb. How do you even deal with a "plan" about our future at a moment like this? Our future had been blown apart. I couldn't be practical, but I had to. What do we do next? We were asked if we thought we would continue with the pregnancy. The idea of terminating it had never entered my mind until that very moment. We were prepared to deal with whatever disability our baby had, but what if it wasn't a disability? What if we were just waiting for our baby's inevitable passing? It's not something we had ever explored. It wasn't a position we ever thought we'd be in.

We were given literature to look over, and we went home to await our test results and think.

to be continued...

It has really helped me to write this story in pieces because it takes my mind back to those days and allows me to pause there to remember the details of the experience. This has been a sad but positive thing for me. Thanks for reading!

A Day In The Life

Inspired by a friend of mine, I'm going to share a day in the life of my family so you can get to know me and what it's like in my corner of the world. I chose this last Saturday to keep track of our goings on.

We woke up early. Our daughter used to sleep from 8 pm to 9 am every day. No lie. She did this for at about 2 years. She is now changing that pattern. She enjoys getting us up these days around 7 am. That's just not as much fun. When this happens, we typically bring her into our bed, turn on Nick Jr., and then we try to get a tiny bit more rest while trying to tune out Dora, Wonder Pets... and all of those fun shows with annoyingly memorable songs.

Once we finally got up, we had our normal breakfast and put in a load of diapers. Saturday morning is one of our cloth diaper washing days. While we're looking forward to an end to this routine, we aren't quite there yet. My daughter still wears diapers overnight. Our washer is on the fritz, and on Saturday it was down for the count. Luckily we had called our favorite repairman a few days earlier, and he happened to return the call. Our repairman, Chuck... well, he deserves his own short paragraph!

Chuck is a retired gentleman we discovered when our drier broke down some years ago. We frantically searched the phone book for affordable service. Enter Chuck. He is the kind of guy who likes to tinker. And he's affordable. And he talks a lot. About random things. But it's worth it. Did I mention that he's affordable? Chuck made his way in through the ice storm we were having, checked out the washer, and had it fixed 30 minutes and $55 later. On a Saturday. We love you, Chuck!

We had decided at first light that we weren't going to run our errands due to the growing layer of ice outside. Ice storms are a typical thing for a Midwestern January day. Instead we had some play time followed by lunch. It's common for us to have "breakfast for lunch" on the weekend, so I mixed up some multigrain blueberry pancakes. We gobbled them up. I took pictures. I've been taking lots of food pictures lately. Don't ask.

Nap time! One of the quiet times of the day. While my daughter napped, so did my husband. I shopped online. Just a little. Yellow Submarine shower curtain... check! Did I mention that I have a Beatles illness? I'm sick. Really.

After nap, we had more play time which is a necessity for toddlers who are stuck in the house on a cold winter day. We put together puzzles over and over. We also played beauty shop. I have never been able to get my daughter's fine hair into a ponytail, so we tried it. She thought her first pony tail was great! Now that we have a tall stool in the bathroom, she enjoys admiring herself. She even practices her pouting skills. Look out Hollywood! Beauty shop was cut short by dinner which we enjoyed as a family. (By "enjoy" I mean constantly nagging a 2 year old to behave at the table!)

When bedtime finally rolled around and our toddler was tucked in, we decided we would watch the Netflix pick that had been sitting on our coffee table for a few weeks. The movie was Food Inc. and I highly recommend it. It's not pro-vegetarian so much as pro-knowledge. It did make me thankful to be vegetarian though. The movie gets the audience in touch with the source of the food they eat. I think everyone needs to realize that what we purchase drives industry, and it's important for us to be responsible consumers if we want to be healthier and make our planet healthier. It was a movie I wish everyone would see. I folded laundry as we watched, and we were having trouble keeping our eyes open once we got through the special features. Bedtime for mom and dad!

There you have it. Our life here is kind of simple and that's how we like it. I enjoy having a happy, healthy family. And a home. And good food. And a job with benefits. And a camera to record our plain life. And a blog to share it!

Goodnight!

Eyelashes

Angel Boy - Part 2

My little boy's birthday is fast approaching, so I will continue his story.

We left off at my 20 week ultrasound. My husband and I were going in to find out the gender of our little bundle. Previous ultrasounds had indicated that the baby was measuring a bit small, but no one had given us any indication that this was any cause for concern.

We went through the ultrasound and the tech was very quiet throughout the exam. We saw the heartbeat, and we were told that baby wasn't cooperating and was still a bit small so they couldn't determine the gender. Again, none of this was a huge concern at the time.

When the ultrasound was complete, we were put into an exam room. The tech told us that the doctor needed to come in to see us. Having never gone through any of this, we didn't find it unusual. The doctor arrived, and she entered the room with a piece of paper. She sat down and rolled over to our chairs. "We are seeing something unusual with the baby's brain." Here is where things began to move in slow motion. I'm still thinking that this wasn't a huge thing. So the brain is a bit unusual looking. It's still growing. These things happen, right? I was still seeing that vision of my chubby baby in my mind.

She continued. "It looks as though the brain never formed into two hemispheres as it should have. Here is a page with information that I printed off from the internet." At this point she hands me the sheet. The whole thing is surreal. Questions are running through my mind. "We don't have all of the details that we need at this point to properly assess this. We will need to schedule a more detailed ultrasound - a level II. I know you will go home and look this up online, but I don't want you to jump to any conclusions until we can do this next ultrasound and find out more information." Do they really think it's possible to get that kind of news and not read everything you can find?!

I started with my questions. "What is the prognosis here?" The doctor continued. "Typically when we see this, it means that there is significant disability. Most of these babies are unable to mentally progress beyond the age of 5." I ask if this is certain. Is there a chance that we could come for the level II ultrasound and we'd realize that everything is actually normal after all? Could they be wrong about this? The doctor was clear that there was most definitely something wrong. That was certain. We were left alone for a time in the exam room to digest this information. I was a mess. When we emerged, they scheduled our level II ultrasound in one week.

When we returned home, I was on the internet before I had my coat off. I spent a lot of time reading. None of the information was good. I realized one thing - that I had to pull myself together. I didn't know exactly what was wrong, so how could I discuss it with others? If I tell everyone that something is wrong, they'll act strange around me. They won't know what to say. I made a decision that until I knew more, I had to keep this information private. My husband and I agreed. I returned to work.

"So... did you find out if it's a boy or girl?"

I managed to answer in the most cheerful tone I could muster. "No. They weren't able to tell because the baby wouldn't cooperate. They want to see us in a week to try again. Maybe we'll find out more then." It is here that longest week of my life began.

More of the story to come. Thanks for reading!

The Have's and the Have-Not's

Two recent events got me thinking about our fortunes and misfortunes in life and how they relate to our happiness.

The first was a dinner out over the weekend. We went out for a rare restaurant meal, and we ended up at a buffet. As vegetarians, we are very limited in a buffet, so we covet the food we can eat when a dish comes out from the kitchen. I made a trip to the line - maybe my third - when a dish we could eat showed up. I took some for myself, and I took extra for my husband to enjoy. When I returned to the table, he made his own trip and came back with more of the same thing. Let's just say that he can eat a lot, so this wasn't unusual!

After a few minutes of tackling this plate of food, I saw my husband start to slow down. It became clear that he was full. Uncomfortably full. That's when I became uneasy with our surroundings. Instantly I started scanning the food that was being forgotten. As the plates were being cleared from tables around us, I noticed quite a bit of food that was left behind. I watched my husband surrender his plate too. In an instant, my mind went to the suffering in Haiti. I felt ill. We take so much for granted! During this meal, we had eaten until we were uncomfortable. We had left food to be thrown away. At the very same moment, people are starving and struggling. It felt very wrong. Why do some people have so much, while others struggle? Why are we unable to put things into perspective as we navigate our day? Why are we unable to be satisfied with all that we have?

The second event happened today, and it brought these thoughts to the front of my mind once again. I had a conversation with a friend who happens to be in the middle of the same fertility treatments that I am going through. After months of failed attempts, she is reaching the end of her sanity. I can put myself in her shoes. After all, I was in her shoes not too long ago. I was childless, not sure what would work, and experiencing disappointment month after month.

Today she told me that she has decided to try a few more cycles before she resigns herself to a life without children. Hearing those words broke my heart. I asked myself why I never gave up when faced with this seemingly hopeless situation. The answer came to my mind immediately. I never gave up because I would have never rested had I not tried every last moment/method I could to have a family. The appropriate time to stop trying is different for everyone. She may have reached her time. I never had to find out where my limit was. It's not fair. Suddenly each sharp word I have spoken to my daughter came back to haunt me. Why do I always forget that she's my miracle? Why do I forget the pain I felt when I thought I'd never have any children?

These two recent experiences made me think about how much our perspective can affect our happiness. I realize that happiness is our choice so much of the time. As I tackle this next fertility treatment, I will remember the words of my friend. I will change my perspective and remember that with one child, my life is more full than I had ever dreamed. I will quit worrying about when (if) it will work because there are oceans of women out there who want to have just one baby and are unable to do it. I would be doing them a disservice if I wasn't thankful for each moment I have.

As we watch the news and see the suffering in Haiti, let's forget about the complaints of our day and remember all that we have. When our kids drive us nuts, let's remember how much of a miracle each life is. When we can't afford a new "toy," let's be thankful for the meal we just ate. For each struggle we have, there is something to be learned. For each joy we have, there is something to be treasured and not forgotten. Let's decide to be content in our lives by looking at each situation in this way.

I know I will fail at this task repeatedly in life, but tonight I have decided to be happy. I can't take all the credit. My daughter helped.

Now that is what happiness looks like!

My Angel Boy

I've been thinking these last few weeks about my first born. He always comes to mind this time of year. I get busy with my life and go for months without remembering that part of my life, but when January and February roll around, I can't help it. It was 4 years ago this month that my husband and I weathered the hardest time in our lives. We met our little guy on a cold February day. I'm finally ready for the world to meet him.

Over the next few days/weeks I'm going to tell our story from the beginning. I hope it will help even one person out there to know that they are not alone. In the middle of it all, I'm going to continue to find gratitude in my daily life. In fact my little boy will help me with that task. I will update about the goings on of my busy toddler too. After all, I've got a lot to be thankful for!

Four years ago this month my husband and I were excited about the arrival of a baby. We had a long battle with infertility. After 2 1/2 years of trying to grow our family, we got the exciting news that we were pregnant! We did everything we were supposed to. I took prenatal vitamins. I read books. I ate right. I rested when I was tired. I thought I was the luckiest person in the world because I was never sick.

We waited a full 12 weeks to tell everyone. We figured we were out of the woods by then. My belly grew. We planned. We didn't find it at all strange at our 12 week appointment when they determined that the baby was measuring small. They didn't seem too concerned. I'm not sure why this didn't cause us some alarm. We knew the exact day we had conceived because it had been done in a cold clinic room. Why would the baby's dates be off? I guess we'd just gotten used to the idea of a chubby baby at that point. You just start to get attached to that vision.

It wasn't until we hit our 20 week ultrasound that everything went wrong with our vision. We went in to find out the gender of our new addition that January day. We found out the gender. We also found something else we never expected.

I will share more of our story soon. Check back.

For now I need to fold laundry and settle in for a few minutes of mindless television. Goodnight!

Frosty Day

Today was just gorgeous. It has been a little warmer. (Let's face it - anything over 10 degrees in the winter here is good!) There was a layer of frost on everything. I love it when the world is covered in icing! I wish I would have had more quality time with my camera!

I worked a long day after getting very little sleep so I found myself dragging a bit, but it was nothing a hot shower and cup of peach tea couldn't cure. I've been struggling lately to find enough fuel to get me through the evening. I am working on finding patience and a sense of fun after a long day for the my daughter's sake. Tonight we played with puzzles. Mission accomplished. I'm going to try to take some time each day to play and focus on my daughter.

Since I'm running on empty, I'll wrap this up. I just wanted to share a recipe for one of my favorite kid-tested vegetarian dishes. I put it together last night for us to eat today at lunch. Although we have to stop our child from eating only spoonfuls of ketchup and mustard, my daughter really does like this!

Veggie Corndog Hotdish (This is the midwest after all. We don't do casseroles!)

- 1 pkg vegetarian hotdogs

- 2 eggs, beaten

- 1 1/2 cups plain soy milk

- black pepper to taste

- 1 lb of cornbread mix (we like Marie Callender's brand)

- 1 1/2 cups shredded cheddar cheese

- 1 small can diced green chiles

Preheat oven to 400 degrees.

Cut the hotdogs lengthwise into quarters, then cut into thirds. Set aside.

In a medium bowl combine eggs, milk, pepper, and cornbread. Stir well, then mix in hotdogs, cheese, and chiles. (Don't worry... the chiles don't make it spicy. They just add a bit of flavor, color, and texture.) Spread into lightly greased 9x13 baking dish. Smooth out the hotdog pieces so they are laying flat and spread evenly throughout the pan. Bake uncovered for 30 minutes - until it is just browning on the top.

We cut it into large cubes and dip in ketchup and mustard. Yummy!

Getting my feet wet...

I thought about blogs I might write for weeks, but now that the cursor is finally blinking in front of me, I can't write! What's up with that? So here I go... time to get my feet wet. I'm ready to share!

I'm an old fashioned girl when it comes to music. I like to listen to some albums on vinyl because that's how they were meant to be heard. (The Beatles' Revolver in mono for example.) I also like to get my hands on a physical cd when a new one comes out. I've been known to download songs online, but it's not the same! Do kids today read liner notes? Do they wonder who played the instruments on a track... or do they even listen to songs that include people playing instruments?!

The world is changing fast, and it makes me feel old. I may be a minority, but I still get excited to rip plastic from a cd and wait for the first few notes to come out of my car stereo. That just happens to be the bright spot of my day today. I got out of work, ran to the local electronics store, walked straight back to their shrinking cd section and picked up my prize: Ringo Starr's new album "Y Not." I've digested the first few tracks, and I think they're great. He may not be as good a writer as his former bandmates, but the songs are catchy and fun. Oh yeah, and there are real instruments. That's about all you can ask for these days.

I've been feeling worn out lately. Midlife crisis? It's too early for that! I'm just tired of spending most of my time doing things for other people. I'm sure I'll get over it. I think it's just hard to be happy in the midwest in the winter. (Since I'm new here, I'll preface my next comment by saying that my husband I are doing fertility treatments... again.) I also had confirmation today that I'm not pregnant. That means it's time to start infertility medication again. I'm dreading the rollercoaster of hormones, but it's a means to an end I guess. Since my resolution is to look at the brighter points of life this year, here comes my opportunity to find something to be thankful for today. I am thankful for my health insurance. It doesn't fully cover fertility treatments, but it takes the edge off the cost at least. There are many people in this country that don't have any insurance, so I want to remember not to take mine for granted. (and I'll try to forget that other countries get this stuff for free... because, well, that will just depress me all over again!) As a line from one of the new Ringo songs says: "Today is the best day of your life." Thanks, Ringo. You're right. That's how I plan to live this year.

Goals

I've been thinking about blogging for a quite some time, but it took me a long time to make the leap. I've always been a planner, so it makes sense I guess. For weeks I've been speaking with other bloggers, planning posts I might write, and making goals for myself. Ultimately the only way to begin is with a simple step in a certain direction.

So... here I am friends! My goal is to use this space to share things that might be helpful to other people - especially moms. Being a mom is tough! We need one another! I also want to explore my own mind for my own purposes. I've realized that I don't take much time to do that, and I'm finding it to be essential to my health. Maybe I can connect with others in that process.

Lastly, my goal this year is to focus on positive things. I can often get bogged down with pessimism, fear, worry, and general malaise. My resolution this new year is to find hundreds of things in my life that make me happy and share them here as a reminder to myself and others that it can always be worse.

Welcome to the MyStory Tour! Step right this way! (Yup, I'm a huge Beatles fan. More on that later...) And so begins the journey!