T.V. Theology

I try really hard to refrain from judging people, so I enter into this blog cautiously. I was watching an episode of 19 Kids and Counting the other night... it's 19, right? I can't keep track. It might as well be 50 now. See? There I go judging. Well, the Duggar family can get under my skin once in awhile, and I can't help but share some thoughts here.

For those who aren't familiar with this tv show, it features a very large family. As I understand it, they are conservative Baptists who believe in a movement called "Quiverfull." I hope I'm not confusing this since I don't know much about it. Apparently this movement is just as it sounds. These people believe in having as many kids as they are given by God, thus a "full quiver." I guess you could say it's the opposite of my belief in that area. Yes, I know that my "quiver" wouldn't be very full if I let God alone control it, but you know what I mean!

Something struck me about the episode I watched the other night. From what I've heard, Jim Bob and Michelle Duggar started out much the same as many married couples. They used birth control pills for awhile until they were ready to start a family. When the time was right, they decided to try to conceive. They were successful, but lost the baby to miscarriage fairly early on in the pregnancy. Here's where we go in a bad direction for me. They believed that they were essentially being punished for their use of birth control, and vowed to never again prevent pregnancy. Put the brakes on here! That is flawed logic for me. Maybe I take is so personally because I have also lost a baby, and it's impossible for me to imagine a God that would punish me for anything. I just don't believe in that sort of God. I don't imagine that God causes harm in my life as punishment. I'm not sure I could believe in religion if that's how it worked.

The episode I watched was about their latest baby. Number 19 I believe? Mom and baby were very sick halfway through the pregnancy. They were admitted to the hospital. If we are following their logic, at this point in their lives, shouldn't they be asking themselves what their God was punishing them for this time? Were they not pious enough? I never saw them asking themselves this question. So, their decision to have unlimited children was born (sorry!) out of their belief that they were being punished by God for their use of birth control, yet that logic doesn't seem to have followed them through life. If they no longer believe that, then can't they stop having kids now? I don't get it.

Yes, I was watching the show and I do have the choice to turn it off if I want. I'll admit that I have watched it many times. Different kinds of people fascinate me. Finding out about how others live is interesting to me, but it does sometimes get me a little riled up! I lost a baby, and I refuse to look at it as an event God caused to punish me for something. Thanks God for having my back! I choose to believe more in the idea that bad things just happen. The way we can stay right with God is to let our faith carry us through.

Before I sign off for the night, I wanted to update about a few previous posts. My husband and I did enjoy our evening out not long ago. We successfully escaped, and had a wonderful night of food, friends, and music. My daughter and I have also been enjoying dance class. It has been a good opportunity for her to learn about following directions and taking turns. She was instantly won over when we heard "You've Got A Friend In Me" from Toy Story 2 during class. It has been going well ever since!

Food, Baby!

I am a big nutrition buff. Being a vegetarian for so many years has turned me into a label reader. When I started to read more labels, I started to find out more about nasty little food additives and nutrition as a whole. Now that I'm the parent of a toddler, I find myself looking for even more creative ways to make the foods we eat more healthy and nutrient-rich.

Since I'm fairly well versed in these topics, I have become a resource for many of the people I know. When someone realizes that they have a gluten allergy, they talk to me about it. When people are curious about why I eat so differently, we engage in detailed discussions of vegetarian foods and the impact they have on health and environment. When people have kids with sensitive stomachs, they ask me if I know what would help.

In the course of these many conversations, I have realized that there is one little thing I do that doesn't always occur to people. I assumed that many people do the same thing, but based on the feedback I've gotten from those around me, I might be wrong. I will share here, and I'm curious if anyone else does this too!

We eat baby food. Yup. That's it. My husband and I eat it. My daughter still eats it. I try to throw it into anything I can. I can't take credit for the idea of using veggie puree in meals. Jessica Seinfeld wrote a cookbook on the topic. I always hoped to purchase it, but I haven't yet. I think I saw her talking about it on Oprah, and the only problem I had with her plan was that it involved making large batches of veggie puree on the weekend and planning ahead for the week's meals. I just don't have that kind of time. I made my daughter's baby food when she was little. Now that she's older, I want a break! Conveniently, organic baby food is easy to find. It's probably more expensive than doing it yourself, but I still find it fairly affordable and simple. That's worth a lot to me.

Here are a few of the ways I use it:

-squash or sweet potato in applesauce. Put some cinnamon in it and you'll never taste it.

-Carrots in spaghetti sauce

-squash, mixed veggies, or sweet potato in enchiladas. Just mix it with the rice/beans/spices inside the tortilla, pour on sauce and sprinkle a bit of cheese. It blends nicely.

-any kind of veggies in chili

-any kind of veggies spread onto pizza crust under the sauce and cheese (although I find that carrots are less likely to be detected!)

-carrots in tomato soup

-small amount of squash in scrambled eggs

I realize that one jar of babyfood in a batch of sauce doesn't elimate the need for fresh veggies on the side, but I think every little bit of nutrition helps - especially when you have a toddler. My daughter doesn't always finish her veggies, so it's a good way to complete the serving. I also find that she gags easily when she has a stuffy nose, so we try to feed her soft foods and avoid things like peas that can set her off. Adding a little bit of baby food helps her get more veggies during those times.

Eat your baby food! Does anyone else do this? If so, how do you work it into your recipes? If not, try it and let me know what you think!

Tiny Dancer

I always had visions of putting my daughter in a dance class or two. I took dance as a young kid, and it might be the only time I've ever enjoyed doing something slightly athletic in my life. I have always been painfully uncoordinated when it comes to team sports. I think it's just the pressure involved. The ball is coming your way. All eyes are on the ball, so all eyes are now on you. You drop it, and you hear collective groans from your peers. Trying to fit in was hard enough without my fumbles and fouls in gym class making me blush. Dance allowed me to do something physical without having to worry about winning or disappointing anyone. It also involved music which is one of my great loves.

These tiny ballet shoes are a sweet little bargain I got at a thrift store.


The funny thing is that I found these shoes when my daughter was just an infant. Having a child with feet large enough for these was a distant thought in those days. Still, I couldn't help putting the two dollar shoes in my cart with a dream of seeing a tiny ballerina wear them.

I was cleaning out the closet last weekend to make way for my daughter's spring wardrobe when I found the ballet shoes. They fit perfectly. I can't believe how fast she has grown. Coincidentally I found myself at that same thrift store the next day looking for pieces to complete said spring wardrobe when I came across a little leotard and tutu. One dollar and 69 cents later they were in the bag. Pink leg warmers and black knit tights from Christmas were already hanging around our house, so we had no trouble completing the ensemble.

The next day I thought about what a shame it would be to waste a perfectly good dance outfit. With a little searching I was able to find us a dance class in a neighboring town. She loves her new outfit and can't wait to go to class. I'm interested to see if she continues to enjoy it once we do it for a few weeks. I don't expect her to like everything that I like, so she'll have the freedom to decide. I'm just excited for her to try something new. I'm also excited that I get to dress her up in cute, thrifty clothes! My husband jokes that since I can't claim to be talented at any sports, thrift shopping is my sport. I think he might be right.

Adventures in Babysitting

I had to face an interesting part of myself this week. We realized that we should get out more, so we decided to find ourselves a babysitter. This will be our second time out since last August. It's amazing how little time we have together when I think about it!

We started to think about who we could line up for this task. It's ideal to have our daughter at home. Her toys are here. Her bed is here. Our house is toddler-friendly. It's just easier. The only problem with this is that most of the suitable sitters we know have their own kids, and it's easier for them to be at their houses too. We decided to rule out friends with kids this time. The length of time we'll be out and the time of day will make it too hard to bother our friends who have kids for this outing.

Then we started looking at our friends who don't have kids as an alternative. My husband immediately offered up a male friend of his as an option. This is a gentleman we've known for quite a long time. My husband knows him much better than I do, but I am familiar with him. Everything I know about him is positive. He was free at the time we needed him. But then... something started to creep into my mind.

I'll admit to several things at this point. I'm a worrier. I clearly don't leave my child often, so I probably lack normal comfort level about it. I'm overly analytical. I'm overprotective. I'm a control freak. I'm realizing that these things are obstacles to a successful date night!

The little things that started to creep into my mind were all stereotypes about gender. This is a single guy. I've never seen him with a love interest. I've never seen him around kids. I can't picture him taking my child to the potty and wiping her butt. Yup, that's what I immediately thought. I kind of surprised myself! I see myself as an open person, but maybe I'm not as open as I thought!

I started to think about where my apprehension was coming from. I wanted to figure out the factors that affected my comfort level about a person. Yes, how much I know the person is number one. I'm also pretty comfortable if I know firsthand that the person has had a ton of experience with kids. After that, I realized that I might be more comfortable with a couple. I'd also be more comfortable with a married man, a gay man, a single girl... just about anything other than a single, straight man. I think I would also be more comfortable if my child was a boy. I've never had to face my bias before, and I'm not sure I like it.

At the same time, I don't want to ignore my motherly instinct. Since I've never really faced these feelings before, I'm not sure how to sort them all out in my mind. In the meantime I'm going to have to trust my instincts if I want to go out with my husband and have a good night. While he trusts this person implicitly, I just don't know what his experience is with children. While he's been around my daughter before and she loved him, I just wasn't quite ready to leave her in his care. I don't even know why. I just know I'm apprehensive. Maybe I'll get over it, but I'm not there yet. In the end, we decided to have my husband's parents come to our house to watch her. While we aren't close at this point so we don't often see them, I trust them. Now I'm much more relaxed now and looking forward to a date! My choice of restaurant doesn't seem to be in the cards though. They were completely booked with reservations, so we decided to show up looking pathetic and hungry and hope we can get a table within an hour or so. We'll see how it works.

Has anyone else ever had to face their gender stereotypes? Was it in a childcare situation? What did you do? Have your opinions changed over time? Just curious.

Aside from our planned escape, we've been busy with another round of fertility treatments. I actually had to inject myself tonight. (Gulp) I did it! It's wasn't that bad! I was so nervous and fixated on being able to do the injection, that I forgot to swab my skin with alcohol beforehand. If my leg turns black and falls off, I'll let you know! We are facing the doctor next week to figure out our plan from here. We can't really afford IVF or adoption, so we'll have to see if there is still hope for us within our current treatments. I'm hoping the meeting will all be in vain. Maybe this will work. Soon I will be facing the long 2 week wait to find out if we've had any success this time. It's something I'll never get used to.

I know that we're overdue for some pictures and maybe a recipe. Has it really been 2 weeks since I've posted pictures? Thanks for those that have stuck with me. Pictures are forthcoming. I've got a few up my sleeve. All I know is that I'm going out with my husband. Everything else will have to get in line this week!

Fear

I'm afraid of a lot of things. I'm afraid I won't be able to have another child, but I'm also afraid I will. I'm afraid I wouldn't be able to pay for two children. I'm afraid I won't have enough money when I want to retire. I'm afraid I'm not a good mom. I'm afraid I'll never find a way to combine my passions with my career. I'm afraid I'll forget who I really am. I'm afraid my husband won't love me someday. I'm afraid of aging. I'm afraid of getting cancer. I'm afraid of having regrets. I'm afraid of the evil in the world.

I'm afraid of so many things. I could go on forever. I wonder why I am consumed by these fears. I think many people feel the same way. As I look at the list of fears I listed above, I realize that most of these fears aren't based in reality. I'm anticipating things that haven't happened yet. These things may never happen.

I tend to make every decision in my life much bigger than it is. I haven't gotten pregnant yet. It's not yet time to worry about whether it will ever work. I just need to worry about doing my best to be healthy now. I will worry about the bigger issue when and if I ever have to face it. Until then, I can't think about it. I can't let myself be stressed because I'm anticipating future events. I need to enjoy today, take steps to prevent my fears from coming true, and let go of my worry and fear.

What are you afraid of? Is it based on your current situation or on anticipated future events that may not even happen? Do those worries affect your current happiness?

The Plan

I was at the doctor today to find out what fate decided for us. It looks like we are clear to begin again, so we decided to proceed. I also had to face a conversation about where to go from here. I had to schedule a visit to discuss what our options would be for the coming months. We have to face the fact that this isn't working so far. I think I took for granted that since this worked like a charm with my daughter, it would do the same again. On paper everything has looked exactly as it did when we had success, but we are older now. It might not work. It always amazes me how many things have to be exactly right to create life. It's mind boggling. We just may never be able to make the stars align again. I accept that. I often don't know what's best for me. I'd rather ride along and let life take me where it's going. Right now all I can do is hope for this coming cycle.

Disappointment

I found out that I'm not pregnant. It's funny, I spent the previous two cycles being scared and worried about the prospect of a baby. I also never felt like it had worked. This cycle was different. I was sure it worked. I could picture that baby. I was emotionally and mentally invested. I was ready. Of course those aren't the elements in one's life that make a baby. If they were, teenagers would never get pregnant!

We had intended to sit out this next round of treatment, but I struggled with that decision all day. Do I take a month off, enjoy myself, drink some wine, relax, and recover financially? If I do that, it's possible that the time off the medications would throw off my system and I'd require a few months to ready myself again when I try to get back into it. Part of me wants a break, but part of me wants to keep at it. I didn't want my kids to be this far apart in age, but I'm reminded again that my plan isn't the plan. I may not even be able to have anymore children. Only time will tell.

The decision we made was to proceed with my first ultrasound to see where we stand. It was actually a kind of non-decision on my part. I'm famous for letting fate answer the question. If things aren't ideal when the doctor take her first look tomorrow, we'll sit it out. If things look great, we are going to go for it - Christmas due date and all. My husband reminds me that we don't have the luxury of planning out a due date. We take what we can get. Ok, fate. Step in and lead the way. I will follow.

It has been a rough couple of weeks around here. Now I sit in peace on my couch. I'm watching The Jazz Singer from 1927, and Al Jolson is singing to me about "nothing but blue skies from now on." Little did people know then that the Great Depression was just a mere 2 years away. I hope life doesn't imitate art. I still believe in blue skies and blue birds singing. I just hope I'm not looking back in just a short time and feeling naive about it. I believe everything will work out. I have to believe. It's the only way I survive.

I will update when I find out what direction we are taking. Until then, goodnight!

Fertility-Challenged Women

Fertility-Challenged. We all need a politically correct label these days, right?

I've been consumed with baby thoughts recently, and it occurred to me that there is a shared experience among women with fertility issues that other women don't understand. Somehow I have managed to find many women struggling with the same issues I have. We talk a lot about it, and offer any support we can. Through these conversations, I've found that we're all the same when it comes to the stresses we endure each cycle. I wanted to share a few things here so my annoyingly fertile counterparts can get a peek into the neurotic brain of a woman struggling to have kids. Here are 5 things you might not know about women with infertility:

1.) While around 30% of women actually experience implantation bleeding, 100% of infertile women believe they are experiencing it. For every woman that is hoping for good news, the very start of a period is always believed to be implantation bleeding for a short period of time. A period sends us running to the calendar so see if everything is within the right time for implantation. We don't want to believe that it's over. While many women have probably never thought of this phenomenon, every woman in my shoes hopes that there is some explanation that would allow us to be pregnant even when we know we've hit the end.

2.) We believe we are having pregnancy symptoms all the time. Many women don't realize that they are pregnant until they miss a period. The thought may not cross their mind. However, every woman struggling through infertility has googled pregnancy symptoms multiple times every month. Literally every month. I'm constantly thinking that I may feel something and wondering if it could mean that I've conceived. If my stomach growls, I'm instantly aware and trying to turn it into some kind of sign. It's enough to drive a person insane!

3.) I'm going to let out my (our) dirty little secret here. We dislike fertile people and their families sometimes. While normal women may love visiting friends in the hospital after a birth or attending a baby shower, we have secretly hated you and your kids at least once. Now don't take it personally. We really do love you. We just can't help but resent other people's fertility once in awhile and it makes life hard. I've felt this way once in awhile about people I truly love. Then I've felt guilty for feeling that way which makes the whole thing worse. I wonder if that feeling ever really goes away. I can definitely say it fades, but I can admit to having this feeling recently when my dear sister-in-law announced her second pregnancy. I could feel the jealousy welling up, and I was just a little mad at her. But I love her. It's a strange emotion at a time of such happiness.

4.) Here's where the fertile women we hate are vindicated. Don't worry. We hate ourselves some of the time too. Not being able to have children very easily (or not at all) figures heavily into a woman's self esteem. I imagine it resembles the experience of a mastectomy. While it's not externally visible (or a cancer concern), it makes us feel like less of a woman. Less of a wife. Less human. It's very hard to feel "broken," and then try to reconcile it with a positive feeling about who you are and what you can accomplish. I think that women can be very hard on themselves in general, and this just gives us one more thing to beat ourselves up about.

5.) We have peed on a stick more times than a forest animal. We fight with ourselves every time. After paying for fertility treatments, why pay for tests too? They're not cheap! Then again, we feel that if we're obsessed, maybe it's worth the money to get an answer. But wait - if I take a test, will I believe the result? If it's negative, I will wonder if it's just too early in the cycle to show up on a test. If it's positive, I'll wonder if the HCG shot I took a few days/weeks ago is throwing it off. We can't win! Well, maybe we could if we bought stock in a company that makes pregnancy tests!

Going through this a second time has brought back all of these things that I'd hoped to forget about after having my daughter. I hate to keep saying this, but feeling these things has reminded me to be thankful for her. Many of my friends don't yet have kids, and I would be doing wrong by them if I didn't appreciate what I have. While I want another child, I may find that I'm never able to have another. That is sad, but it's ok. When I was bargaining with God before I ever had any kids, I begged for just one. God delivered, and I will too. If my family is complete, I will be happy.

Tonight my only update is that I've felt like the end of this cycle has been coming. I've felt all of the signs and symptoms that it's over, but I still have no definite answers. I'm waiting as patiently as I can. I'm hanging on to hope, but I'm preparing for bad news. The answer will be revealed no later than Monday. I will update when I know. I will put the timing in God's hands. In His infinite wisdom, my family will be built exactly as it should. I will watch as my life takes shape, and I will be happy.

Saturday

I'm sad to say that the job changes we anticipated for my husband didn't come to pass. I'm not happy about it, but I do believe that there is a plan for us. I just wish we knew what it was at this point! We are still awaiting possible baby news. Tom Petty had it right when he sang: "The waiting is the hardest part." I should have my answer some time between now and Monday. Again, I trust that it will unfold as it should.

I snapped a few pictures on Saturday and so did my husband. I figured I'd step out from behind the lens just a little this time. I normally handle the camera duties full time around here, but once in awhile I think I'd like to look back and remember that I was there while my daughter was growing up! He didn't do too bad this time.

Oh, how I love Saturdays! We colored a bit.

Did you know that sticking your tongue out helps? Do I have a lefty?

.

Then a grandma and a firefighter went crusing. I'm not sure why. Maybe the firefighter volunteers to help grandma do her shopping? All I know is that grandma needs to keep her eyes on the road. Er... the van has eyes so maybe it's ok. Hmmm. I realize that analyzing Little People isn't my strength. Moving on...

.

(Don't look at the dust stuck to the wheels. Oh no, now you're looking aren't you? And you didn't even notice it until I said something, right? Ooops!)

.

We even sat in the sun (with Dora) which is a rarity in this corner of the world. (Wait... sitting with Dora isn't a rarity at all. She's everywhere in my house. It's the sun! The sun is rarely seen here in the winter!) Is this a sign that spring will finally come? I can't wait!

.

Don't let the pictures fool you. We have very little time together as a family. Most of our weekend time is spent doing child care in shifts while one or the other of us runs around like crazy getting groceries, starting loads of laundry, or cooking meals. Still, taking a few pictures reminds me of those rare moments when I can be with my family. I sure hope we can find more of those moments soon. Until then, we will enjoy what we have.