Fertility-Challenged Women

Fertility-Challenged. We all need a politically correct label these days, right?

I've been consumed with baby thoughts recently, and it occurred to me that there is a shared experience among women with fertility issues that other women don't understand. Somehow I have managed to find many women struggling with the same issues I have. We talk a lot about it, and offer any support we can. Through these conversations, I've found that we're all the same when it comes to the stresses we endure each cycle. I wanted to share a few things here so my annoyingly fertile counterparts can get a peek into the neurotic brain of a woman struggling to have kids. Here are 5 things you might not know about women with infertility:

1.) While around 30% of women actually experience implantation bleeding, 100% of infertile women believe they are experiencing it. For every woman that is hoping for good news, the very start of a period is always believed to be implantation bleeding for a short period of time. A period sends us running to the calendar so see if everything is within the right time for implantation. We don't want to believe that it's over. While many women have probably never thought of this phenomenon, every woman in my shoes hopes that there is some explanation that would allow us to be pregnant even when we know we've hit the end.

2.) We believe we are having pregnancy symptoms all the time. Many women don't realize that they are pregnant until they miss a period. The thought may not cross their mind. However, every woman struggling through infertility has googled pregnancy symptoms multiple times every month. Literally every month. I'm constantly thinking that I may feel something and wondering if it could mean that I've conceived. If my stomach growls, I'm instantly aware and trying to turn it into some kind of sign. It's enough to drive a person insane!

3.) I'm going to let out my (our) dirty little secret here. We dislike fertile people and their families sometimes. While normal women may love visiting friends in the hospital after a birth or attending a baby shower, we have secretly hated you and your kids at least once. Now don't take it personally. We really do love you. We just can't help but resent other people's fertility once in awhile and it makes life hard. I've felt this way once in awhile about people I truly love. Then I've felt guilty for feeling that way which makes the whole thing worse. I wonder if that feeling ever really goes away. I can definitely say it fades, but I can admit to having this feeling recently when my dear sister-in-law announced her second pregnancy. I could feel the jealousy welling up, and I was just a little mad at her. But I love her. It's a strange emotion at a time of such happiness.

4.) Here's where the fertile women we hate are vindicated. Don't worry. We hate ourselves some of the time too. Not being able to have children very easily (or not at all) figures heavily into a woman's self esteem. I imagine it resembles the experience of a mastectomy. While it's not externally visible (or a cancer concern), it makes us feel like less of a woman. Less of a wife. Less human. It's very hard to feel "broken," and then try to reconcile it with a positive feeling about who you are and what you can accomplish. I think that women can be very hard on themselves in general, and this just gives us one more thing to beat ourselves up about.

5.) We have peed on a stick more times than a forest animal. We fight with ourselves every time. After paying for fertility treatments, why pay for tests too? They're not cheap! Then again, we feel that if we're obsessed, maybe it's worth the money to get an answer. But wait - if I take a test, will I believe the result? If it's negative, I will wonder if it's just too early in the cycle to show up on a test. If it's positive, I'll wonder if the HCG shot I took a few days/weeks ago is throwing it off. We can't win! Well, maybe we could if we bought stock in a company that makes pregnancy tests!

Going through this a second time has brought back all of these things that I'd hoped to forget about after having my daughter. I hate to keep saying this, but feeling these things has reminded me to be thankful for her. Many of my friends don't yet have kids, and I would be doing wrong by them if I didn't appreciate what I have. While I want another child, I may find that I'm never able to have another. That is sad, but it's ok. When I was bargaining with God before I ever had any kids, I begged for just one. God delivered, and I will too. If my family is complete, I will be happy.

Tonight my only update is that I've felt like the end of this cycle has been coming. I've felt all of the signs and symptoms that it's over, but I still have no definite answers. I'm waiting as patiently as I can. I'm hanging on to hope, but I'm preparing for bad news. The answer will be revealed no later than Monday. I will update when I know. I will put the timing in God's hands. In His infinite wisdom, my family will be built exactly as it should. I will watch as my life takes shape, and I will be happy.