Disappointment

I found out that I'm not pregnant. It's funny, I spent the previous two cycles being scared and worried about the prospect of a baby. I also never felt like it had worked. This cycle was different. I was sure it worked. I could picture that baby. I was emotionally and mentally invested. I was ready. Of course those aren't the elements in one's life that make a baby. If they were, teenagers would never get pregnant!

We had intended to sit out this next round of treatment, but I struggled with that decision all day. Do I take a month off, enjoy myself, drink some wine, relax, and recover financially? If I do that, it's possible that the time off the medications would throw off my system and I'd require a few months to ready myself again when I try to get back into it. Part of me wants a break, but part of me wants to keep at it. I didn't want my kids to be this far apart in age, but I'm reminded again that my plan isn't the plan. I may not even be able to have anymore children. Only time will tell.

The decision we made was to proceed with my first ultrasound to see where we stand. It was actually a kind of non-decision on my part. I'm famous for letting fate answer the question. If things aren't ideal when the doctor take her first look tomorrow, we'll sit it out. If things look great, we are going to go for it - Christmas due date and all. My husband reminds me that we don't have the luxury of planning out a due date. We take what we can get. Ok, fate. Step in and lead the way. I will follow.

It has been a rough couple of weeks around here. Now I sit in peace on my couch. I'm watching The Jazz Singer from 1927, and Al Jolson is singing to me about "nothing but blue skies from now on." Little did people know then that the Great Depression was just a mere 2 years away. I hope life doesn't imitate art. I still believe in blue skies and blue birds singing. I just hope I'm not looking back in just a short time and feeling naive about it. I believe everything will work out. I have to believe. It's the only way I survive.

I will update when I find out what direction we are taking. Until then, goodnight!