Angel Boy - Part 3

Continuing on...

We left off awaiting our Level II ultrasound. That was the longest week of my life. Work went on, life went on, and we waited on pins and needles. We talked a lot about God's plan for our lives and we believed that there was a reason behind what we were experiencing even if we didn't know what it was. We accepted that no matter who this baby turned out to be, we would love it. We had struggled with infertility for 2 1/2 years, and this was the baby we'd waited for. We wanted it more than anything, and we accepted whatever was to come. We had many conversations about how this reality would change the picture we had of our lives. A baby with severe mental disability... How would we afford lifelong care for our son or daughter? Would we find daycare or would one of us have to quit our job? We started to prepare ourselves for our new reality. Finally, our appointment day came.

We were led into a tiny room for a very long appointment. They took their time to look at the small details of our baby. They scanned everything. We then went into a room to go over the results. I took a deep breath.

The doctor proceeded to explain the extent of our baby's issues. What we knew going in was that something was wrong with the brain. I was prepared to find out more about this so I'd know what our baby's life would be like. The doctor did confirm the findings of our first ultrasound - the baby's brain hadn't separated into 2 hemispheres as it should have. From here our reality was once again shaken. She continued on with a list of other findings. Our baby's kidneys were deformed into a sort of horseshoe shape. The lungs were underdeveloped and small. The heart had only two chambers instead of the four you would expect from a healthy heart. My amniotic fluid levels were low. The umbilical cord was only two vessels - also wrong. The baby was severely behind in growth. The list went on and on. We were told that the defects they found were consistent with some type of chromosomal abnormality - possibly Trisomy. (Trisomy occurs when there is a triplet of a particular chromosome. Chromosomes should only be in pairs of two.)

We were offered the opportunity at that point to go through amniocentesis to find out exactly what we were dealing with. While there was an increased risk of miscarriage with that test, we clearly felt that it was justified and worth the risks considering the problems we faced. We agreed to the test, and they took a sample of amniotic fluid to send for testing. We would have to wait 3-4 days for the results.

After the test, we were ushered into a room. I didn't think I could be shaken again as I had been a week earlier, but I was wrong. Again it was surreal. What does all of this mean? The doctor continued her explanation of our situation. "These chromosomal problems - especially with the list of abnormalities your baby is exhibiting - are not compatible with life."

Nothing can prepare you for that moment. She went on to ask what we intended to do. We were numb. How do you even deal with a "plan" about our future at a moment like this? Our future had been blown apart. I couldn't be practical, but I had to. What do we do next? We were asked if we thought we would continue with the pregnancy. The idea of terminating it had never entered my mind until that very moment. We were prepared to deal with whatever disability our baby had, but what if it wasn't a disability? What if we were just waiting for our baby's inevitable passing? It's not something we had ever explored. It wasn't a position we ever thought we'd be in.

We were given literature to look over, and we went home to await our test results and think.

to be continued...

It has really helped me to write this story in pieces because it takes my mind back to those days and allows me to pause there to remember the details of the experience. This has been a sad but positive thing for me. Thanks for reading!