Updates

So many things have happened with my family in the last couple of months. I don't know where to begin!

Our little boy has arrived! While the active part of labor was fairly quick, the start of my labor was not. I had been experiencing pressure for quite awhile, but I never identified it as labor. I assumed that he was just dropping. Then one night I was telling my husband about it and he thought that we should time them to see if there was a regular pattern. We discovered that I was feeling pressure every two to three minutes! After a call to the birthing center, we decided to call my husband's brother to come over to babysit and we headed out to the hospital.

When we arrived, I was hooked up to monitors and we discovered after several hours that while I was having regular contractions, I wasn't dilating. Even though I was a few weeks early, they weren't going to stop my contractions. At the same time, they didn't want to induce me either. We went home. I was still contracting from time to time but nothing was regular.

A little more than a week passed when the contractions became regular once again and we headed back to the hospital. We found out once again that the contractions weren't doing much to get me dilated. We went home again, but things just continued to get more intense. I couldn't sleep. I was terribly uncomfortable. We decided to return to the hospital a third time in the morning. This time we found that things were moving along! Everything progressed beautifully and my son was born by early afternoon with less than an hour of pushing. Hallelujah!

The last few weeks have been a blur of diaper changes, late night feedings, and household chores. The one thing that is clear through my tired haze is that I'm totally in love with this little boy! I was so uptight with my daughter. I'm much more relaxed this time. Even when I'm exhausted in the middle of the night, there are times when I don't want to put him down. I could stare at him for hours! I'm alarmed by how fast he's already growing! With as hard as it is for me to get pregnant, we know that this is our last baby. I'm trying to savor every moment.

On a sad note, my husband lost his father in the middle of all of this. I had written about him once before here:
http://mystorytour.blogspot.com/2010/05/another-sign.html
(I'm not good enough at HTML to make a link here!)
I was so sad to know that he just missed seeing his grandson by just a few short weeks. While we were planning his funeral, a thought crept into my head... A little box in my basement still housed the ashes of my first born son, Noah. We never could figure out what to do with his ashes. There was a little drawer in my father-in-law's casket for keepsakes and special things. My father-in-law loved my first son so much even though he never got to meet him. There could be no better place to put my son to rest than with his Grandpa. With permission from my husband's mother, we passed a small, light blue organza pouch filled with my son's remains to the funeral director and watched as he was tucked it in to the small drawer in the casket. Watching the casket close meant so much more to me because while we were saying a final goodbye to my husband's father, we were also saying a goodbye to our first son. What's even more strange is the fact that this burial and the subsequent birth of our second son happened within days of the five year anniversary of Noah's passing. It all seemed fitting. Now I know where my son is resting and I have a place to visit that isn't next to my washing machine. I knew we'd find a place for him someday, and I'm at peace.

Tonight I'm thinking of all of those moms out there with angel babies like mine. I remembered again during this pregnancy that we can never be the same after losing a baby. Even with the years that have passed, I spent this pregnancy fighting the urge to be somewhat detached. It feels dangerous to assume that pregnancy will bring a baby. I would find myself getting new clothes for my son and keeping the tags on them. "I can return them if something happens..." Then I would be surprised at myself for having those thoughts. The experience of losing a child leaves scars that don't heal, but I wouldn't change anything that got me here. I love my family - all three of my kids. As soon as this third and last child of mine was born and named (yes, he is named, but I'm not sharing!), I ordered a hand stamped necklace with the names of my husband and my kids so I can always keep them close to my heart. Moms of angel babies: I promise that you will find peace. You won't ever forget. You won't ever be the same, but you will find peace. I am praying for your peace tonight.