Medicine Buffet

I realized this week that we've been spending an abnormal amount of time in the pharmacy and at the doctor's office. I also figured out that we've spent $250 on medications in the last 30 days. Wow! I wanted to see what $250 of medication looks like, so I gathered it all up. My daughter and I have either consumed or are in the process of consuming all of these things. Somehow my husband has been spared from any viruses. Figures.


Today has been a rainy day. It didn't dampen my daughter's spirits or stop her from donning her rain boots and stomping around in any puddles she could find. She's feeling a bit better after all of this medical intervention, but she's still not back to normal. Did I forget to mention that it was a double ear infection this time? It has been unreal. When it rains, it pours. I guess today we can also take that expression literally.

I have entered the two week waiting time. We decided to do a sixth cycle. Now I will start to obsess over physical symptoms and wish that I could stay in bed. I realize that this is all irrational of course, but I can't help it. Being rational isn't easy for someone who feels profoundly broken. My body needs all the help I can give it! We are set on holding off after this. I know I've said that before, but it's true this time. I require a break.

As I wait to find out if we've had success this time, I find some fears creeping in again too. When you've dealt with the loss of a baby, you no longer imagine getting pregnant as a joyous occasion. Fear is the most prominent emotion. What if we have another loss? What if something goes wrong? It's easy to feel like it won't happen to you until it does. If the odds are 1 in 20,000, most people feel pretty secure, but I remember that someone has to be the "1." It could be me. My only comfort comes from knowing that I survived. I can survive a lot more than I think. If I had been unwilling to roll the dice again, I never would have had my daughter. I can't play life from a position of fear. I refuse to do that. Here we go again!