Sad.

Today was the end. Eight or nine months of attempting to become pregnant have passed. We have been unsuccessful. I didn't think I'd feel so sad. I think it was more intense this time because I know we're taking a break. For real this time. I don't think we'll start up again until August or September. While the disappointment I feel each month is hard, at least I'm constantly trying. I constantly have new hope. There is no hope now. We will will not reach our goal in the next few months. It's hard to think about that.

I was thinking today about how strange my pursuit of having children has turned out. My first pregnancy was achieved with Clomid. I took a pill for a few months and got the good news that it had worked. You all know how that story turned out. When all was said and done and we started to try again, we were sure Clomid would do the trick again. Months passed. Nothing. We decided to graduate to medication coupled with insemination. After a couple of cycles, we had success again. Somehow we still didn't learn. This time we were sure the same treatment would work because it worked last time. We were wrong. Each attempt at pregnancy has required more intervention. It's strange how that has worked out. I don't know what the specialist will suggest when we meet with him in a few weeks. It looks like we will have to move on to "Plan B." Er... Plan H. I can't keep track anymore.

I'm not sure why I torture myself, but I'm watching a show right now called "I'm Pregnant And..." which details the lives of pregnant women in difficult situations. Tonight they had a woman who is pregnant and homeless followed by an episode about a pregnant woman in prison. I can't understand how life works. It seems unfair for some women to be stuck with infertility when they are in safe and secure relationships with homes, food, stability, education, employment, and the desire to have children. At the same time there are so many pregnant women with no resources who have made poor decisions and were not even trying to conceive. It's even worse that adoption is so cost prohibitive to couples who so badly want to have the babies that no one else wants. I can't make sense out of it.

When I realized that this cycle had come to an end today, I felt peaceful about it for awhile. I thought about how I will be able to enjoy a few nice cold beers on the deck this summer. I will be able to catch up financially. I will be able to stop trying to set up a work schedule around my many appointments. I will be able to stop looking for symptoms and waiting for news. I'm looking forward to that part. I'd trade it all for a baby though. I heard a soft and tender song on the radio this afternoon and started to cry while I was driving. It hit me hard.

I never like those times in my life when I can't see God's plan. I don't like it when His plan doesn't fit mine. One of the hardest things to deal with is letting go of what you want and accepting what He wants for you. I have faith. I know it's right. It just doesn't make today any easier.

Tonight I'm repeating The Serenity Prayer to myself and having a small glass of wine. I'm crying. I'm remembering how amazing it is that I was given a daughter when the odds are stacked against it. I'm wondering how this chapter will turn out. Tonight I'm sad.